Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Living is hard.

It's true. It takes effort and work and an endless supply of energy. I have a lot of work to do today, so I have to find a way to do it. But I can't yet. I can't because I'm stuck. It happens every time something is unresolved. Every time there is no communication. I see people all the time who's lives are in turmoil or limbo and somehow they keep going. Nothing is resolved but they are able to still live like it is. I don't understand that, because I can't move on until something is complete. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. It feels worse. It feels like hell. Again, I've tried to explain this so that maybe we could do things differently here. I've tried to explain what happens so that maybe this can be avoided. But I'm only one person. If I were one person alone this would never happen. Not being alone, makes it necessary for the other person to actually get it. To listen and to understand. I'm sure this makes no sense. I'm getting really good at making no sense to anyone, which is why I finally reached out to a Specialist today. I thought that maybe with everything I'm finding out I could share that information and together we could come up with ways to make our relationship work for both of us. So far, I've gotten nowhere. He has no interest in learning anything. He doesn't even pretend like he's interested. Instead, I'm sure it's just become a royal pain in the ass, which is why he finds a way to shut me up anytime I try to talk. All this has done is exasperate every symptom and every anxiety. It's becoming like poison.

I've never lied about who I am. What I like. What I don't. What I can tolerate and what I can't. In fact if you go all the way back to my fun list of 101 things about me, you'll see this. You'll also see a large majority of AS symptoms. Just the other day, I realised that people may not always think I'm serious. I like to be sarcastic, but sometimes I think people may take my blunt honestly as sarcasm, when it's really the truth. Or maybe it's because I laugh when I'm nervous. I don't know. But the point is. This is it. This is all I am. All I've ever been.

Right now (and for a while) there have been big issues and little issues. I can separate them on paper, but when all my triggers are set off at once, I can't separate them at all. They all become big. They all  become a threat.

I've talked about some of the big things already, but lets talk about the little things. And in doing so, let's talk about Sheldon. Everyone loves The Big Bang Theory, right?  We laugh, because it takes all these little issues and blows them up to a ridiculous size, and in turn, makes them funny. Or at least seem funny to most people. Since the first time I saw the show, though, all I could think was...I'm exactly like that. Not with his insane intelligence or interests of course, but his traits. His inflexibility. His intense dislike for change. His need for his world to be "how it is" in order for him to feel comfortable. Again, most of these things come off as funny, hilarious even, when you watch the show, but inside I'm feeling his discomfort. I feel what he feels when someone is in his seat. I don't have a seat of my own, here, but if I did and no one else sat it in it, my world be more comfortable. Seem stupid? Maybe, but that's the way it is. Think Archie Bunker, who by the way, if you look closely also exhibits a lot of the same behavior traits. Every once in a while I'll get to sit in the same in the same place for a while and I get comfortable and then it changes again. I know how Sheldon feels when hes a passenger in a car. Completely out of control. I know how he feels when it's Wednesday and it's Halo Night, and no one is playing Halo. I know how he feels when he gets his food and it's not what he ordered or what he was expecting. Again, it's funny, for the most part, until it's you that has these issues. Until it's you that can't make sure all the little things line up neatly in their little rows so that you can feel safe. We've never actually seen Sheldon have a meltdown. Technically, I don't think they've ever acknowledged that his Character has Aspergers, even though we all know he does.

In the real world all these little things add up. And while it might be funny for my BF to continue drinking whatever drink I have sitting around, for me it's not. For me, that one little thing, done over and over again, even after I have repeatedly stated that I hate it, causes inner chaos. If I'm already at a Critical Limit or under a lot of stress, that one act could set off an entire set of explosives in my head. It hasn't yet, but my point is, it could. And it's not OCD, and it's not just control issues, and it's not just Anxiety.

I don't know what my main objective in writing this was. I guess I just feel the walls closing in. To me, it almost seems like, if I say I really don't like something, it becomes that one thing that keeps being done over and over again. Almost on purpose. If you found a stray cat that freaked out every time you touched it's head, would you keep touching it's head? And if so, why? If you think by doing it you're somehow going to force the cat to like it, you're wrong. Jesus, why the hell am I talking about cats now?

Okay, I have work to do. Somehow, someway, probably with medication, I'm going to shift my focus.

Hope, who may have just wanted to talk about The Big Bang Theory...and a stray cat.


  1. Can you believe I have never seen 1 episode of the Big Bang Theory. I will have to ask my son to fill me in :(
    Loser eh?

  2. You should watch it. It's funny.