Monday, May 20, 2013

Square Peg. Round Hole.

First of all, I have to say this, just to get it out of the way. I had a dream last night that I was with Ashton Kutcher, and then he dumped me. It sucked. Apparently, I really loved him, and that "feeling" of losing him has been with me all day. I have no idea why I had this dream. I rarely even think of Ashton Kutcher. He's definitely NOT one of my celebrity crushes. (Although, now...I don't was a pretty intense dream).

Anyway. Yeah. Back to business. This weekend was interesting. My BF's son had so much going on that we pretty much spent the whole weekend apart, which made it completely different from all the other weekends when I'm battling my intolerance of noisy fighting and big messes. There was very little of that to deal with and I felt calmer so I'm now 100% certain these are the things attacking my nervous system. Good to know. Still not much I can do about it. I find that trying to change someone else's behavior is even harder than trying to change your own. If it can be done, it isn't without lasting damage and consequences.

Jack and I spent a lot of alone time together, which I think is good. We hardly get any, it seems, but every time we do, I notice how much more grown up he seems to act. When he's playing around he's silly and goofy and very childlike. When it's him and I riding in the car somewhere, he wants to have "discussions". Discussions, for him, basically include telling me all about his favorite subject or interest of the moment. This particular weekend it was Minecraft. He's funny though, because before he starts his monologue, he will ask me if I'd like to hear about it. "Do you think you'd like to hear about all of the things you can get in Minecraft?"  It's as if he already knows that most people DON'T want to hear a person go on and on about their favorite subject. I've even had my moments of needing to re-direct him when my "brain is full." But, for the most part, I try to listen. I listen because most times I do want to know. And I listen, because I know how much he needs to talk. Lastly, I listen, because I know what it's like to need to talk, and to only be met with indifference, rather than interest and acceptance.

We had a couple of parties we were invited to, but were only able to make it to one. I chose the one I was invited to a month ago, as opposed to the one I was invited to two days ago. I'm not sure what the proper choice is to make in that situation. Inevitably someone is going to be pissed off. I chose to forgo the party of the person who is the MOST pissed off, most of the time. Seemed like the better option.

The party was fun. (fun in that I got to drink a few beers) And that I saw some family I haven't seen all winter. The party was also eye opening. Whether it was due to all my recent discoveries or due to the fact that I couldn't drink too many beers, I was able to really see myself in a social situation. It was awkward. It usually is until I reach that level of numbing intoxication. That level I wasn't able to reach due to having my child with me.

After saying some hello's, and answering the "Where's the BF?" questions, I found myself standing in back of the chairs on the outskirts of the party area. This isn't unusual. I like to see everything. The awkward parts were when I would creep my way into the inner circle and conversations were started. It went like this:

Maybe 3 or 4 people standing in a semi circle.
Someone asks me a question.
I assume they want an answer to that question so I begin to answer.
Someone else joins the circle as I'm talking.
The person who originally asked me the question turns their attention to New Circle Person.
End of conversation.

I'm sort of laughing right now, but I'm not kidding.

Or it goes like this.

I ask a question.
Person answers the question.
Person sees someone over there.
Person walks away.

Again, I'm not kidding.
And these weren't complete strangers.
These people are family.

So, on and on it went, until it was time to leave. It wasn't horrible. It was just that I really noticed. I noticed that I connect to no one.

I've tried to come up with reasons why. My BF say's they aren't interested in anything that doesn't involved getting hammered. Shit faced. Three sheets to the wind. That could be true.

It could also be true, that I can't connect unless I am all of the above as well. Or I'm simply not interesting. Or I have nothing to offer that they would be interested in. Or I have nothing to offer at all.  Or I just don't care about what they are talking about.

I know, I'm always more comfortable talking about thing that matter. (matter to me anyway)  Like, for instance how someone feels, rather than what color dish towels they bought for their new kitchen that they just renovated.  Those people say I'm too deep. I say they are too shallow. There is probably no meeting in the middle here, because there is no middle.

Ultimately, it's okay. It's all okay. The eye opening part wasn't just how I spend my life being talked over, ignored, and on the sidelines. The eye opening part was also, how I need to start spending my time with people who are more like me. I'm not sure exactly where I will find them, but I know they are out there. I'm sure they are out there. It might mean I have to do some things that are scary, but I don't mind putting myself out there if there is a payoff in the end.

Hope, the square peg who is done trying to force herself into the round hole.

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