Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Sensory Overload... or Why I Love Quiet.

I have some updates, but will probably not get to them today due to the fact that I am crazy busy. In the meantime, though, I just found this video that was posted in a group I joined and wanted to share. It's probably the most accurate depiction I have seen yet of Sensory Overload. Even at half the volume this is what it's like to have overly sensitive senses and hear and notice everything. (there are usually smells involved as well, but until scratch and sniff video is invented those will be hard to depict.)

Personally, for me, it is worse during times when I'm already stressed. I particularly identify with the street noises, the mixed noises of voices/laughter, the tapping of the pen and feet and clanking of the dishes.  It's only recently that I've been able to link these seemingly unimportant and unnoticeable (to most) things to my own anxiety/panic.

Medications like Zoloft and Wellbutrin amplify this for me. Medications like Celexa (for the most part) and Ativan dull or numb my reaction to it. As does Alcohol.

Hope, who sometimes forgets, but after watching that video, is feeling grateful that I am able to work from home. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What's in an IQ?

Recently a friend asked if I had ever gotten mine or Jack's IQ tested. Along with another interesting looking book, she suggested I do it, as it is known that those with higher IQ's think and act differently. I'd never done it, but with all my recent test taking, I figured why not. It could help to provide more answers. It could also raise more questions.

On Sunday I set out to find some online tests. (I'm sure going and getting a professional test is a bit more accurate but with everything else going on, I simply don't have a lot of extra money to dish out. ) Just as with the Aspergers tests I took multiple tests. Five to be exact. I'm not sure if it's my own lack of trust in general, but one is never enough. I have to try to disprove myself. If I can't then I can usually accept the answer.

Three of the tests were free. Two charged a nominal fee and were quite a bit more extensive. I was actually a little worried to start with because of the math and the word problems. Both make my head want to explode. I hate math. But, apparently just because I hate something, doesn't mean I can't do it. Which then reminded me of Jack saying..."Just because I'm good at something, doesn't mean I like it!" Excellent point, Young Jedi.

Between them all I scored in the range of 136-144, in the Gifted category, with the score of 144 being only one point below Genius. I settled in between on the Test below.

What does this mean exactly?  I'm smahhht, but I have absolutely no social or relationship skills? I should have invested my time and life in learning rather than in people and emotions that I can't identify or even deal with?  

I have no idea, except that now I would like to get a professional test, again to try to disprove myself. I would also like to have Jack tested as well and am hoping that is part of the Full Evaluation I'm setting up for him. It can't hurt to know. It might shed some light on some of those areas that have previously been in the dark. 

Last night he was telling me he's starting to worry about another writing piece he's working on at school. Again, his writing is where he exceeded expectations on his report card. But the exact problem he has is never quite clear until I do more digging. It's not the actual writing he's worried about. He has guidelines to follow for each paragraph, but he said that in his head he already knows what he wants to write and they don't match up with guidelines. Rules. Rules. Rules. His internal fight of having to stick to the rules. I had to explain to him that guidelines aren't rules per say. You don't have to stick to them, they are just there to help you if you need it. If you don't need it, then by all means, write what's in your head! Most kids don't have their paper pre-written in their brain, so they need to do it with help. 

It's always like this with him though. The problem goes deeper than what you see on the surface. The problem is sometimes the opposite of what you'd expect it to be. 

He also exhibited a little bit of what I struggle with constantly. Reading emotions. He said. "Tonight, when we were fishing I was doing something funny and Ryan just looked at me and didn't smile. His face looked mad or sad."  This was a difficult one for me, as I have this same problem for the simple fact that usually Mad and Sad are two completely different looks, but often hard to distinguish. All we know is there is no smiling or laughing. I tried my best to explain saying maybe he was concentrating on fishing. "But he was looking right at me." Maybe he just wasn't listening.  Explaining this is hard as I don't always understand it myself. Another important reason why we need a third party intervention here. In the end I just said that next time he is unsure of what someone is feeling maybe he could ask them. In hindsight, this might have been horrible advice. I do this and it's often met with annoyance. 

I don't have all the answers. I might not even have any of the answers but I keep trying. I'm determined to do whatever I can to make sure Jack can avoid a life of anxiety, panic, and misunderstandings. I'm determined to give him what knowledge and coping skills I have and to find him access to those that I don't possess. 

I just quickly thought about what my own mother's response would have been if she read that. "Do you have to look so closely at everything?? I don't get that deep. You worry too much." 

And to that I would say..."No shit. And you never worried enough."

Hope, who wishes a higher IQ could be turned into a higher balance in my checking account. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Square Peg. Round Hole.

First of all, I have to say this, just to get it out of the way. I had a dream last night that I was with Ashton Kutcher, and then he dumped me. It sucked. Apparently, I really loved him, and that "feeling" of losing him has been with me all day. I have no idea why I had this dream. I rarely even think of Ashton Kutcher. He's definitely NOT one of my celebrity crushes. (Although, now...I don't know...it was a pretty intense dream).

Anyway. Yeah. Back to business. This weekend was interesting. My BF's son had so much going on that we pretty much spent the whole weekend apart, which made it completely different from all the other weekends when I'm battling my intolerance of noisy fighting and big messes. There was very little of that to deal with and I felt calmer so I'm now 100% certain these are the things attacking my nervous system. Good to know. Still not much I can do about it. I find that trying to change someone else's behavior is even harder than trying to change your own. If it can be done, it isn't without lasting damage and consequences.

Jack and I spent a lot of alone time together, which I think is good. We hardly get any, it seems, but every time we do, I notice how much more grown up he seems to act. When he's playing around he's silly and goofy and very childlike. When it's him and I riding in the car somewhere, he wants to have "discussions". Discussions, for him, basically include telling me all about his favorite subject or interest of the moment. This particular weekend it was Minecraft. He's funny though, because before he starts his monologue, he will ask me if I'd like to hear about it. "Do you think you'd like to hear about all of the things you can get in Minecraft?"  It's as if he already knows that most people DON'T want to hear a person go on and on about their favorite subject. I've even had my moments of needing to re-direct him when my "brain is full." But, for the most part, I try to listen. I listen because most times I do want to know. And I listen, because I know how much he needs to talk. Lastly, I listen, because I know what it's like to need to talk, and to only be met with indifference, rather than interest and acceptance.

We had a couple of parties we were invited to, but were only able to make it to one. I chose the one I was invited to a month ago, as opposed to the one I was invited to two days ago. I'm not sure what the proper choice is to make in that situation. Inevitably someone is going to be pissed off. I chose to forgo the party of the person who is the MOST pissed off, most of the time. Seemed like the better option.

The party was fun. (fun in that I got to drink a few beers) And that I saw some family I haven't seen all winter. The party was also eye opening. Whether it was due to all my recent discoveries or due to the fact that I couldn't drink too many beers, I was able to really see myself in a social situation. It was awkward. It usually is until I reach that level of numbing intoxication. That level I wasn't able to reach due to having my child with me.

After saying some hello's, and answering the "Where's the BF?" questions, I found myself standing in back of the chairs on the outskirts of the party area. This isn't unusual. I like to see everything. The awkward parts were when I would creep my way into the inner circle and conversations were started. It went like this:

Maybe 3 or 4 people standing in a semi circle.
Someone asks me a question.
I assume they want an answer to that question so I begin to answer.
Someone else joins the circle as I'm talking.
The person who originally asked me the question turns their attention to New Circle Person.
End of conversation.

I'm sort of laughing right now, but I'm not kidding.

Or it goes like this.

I ask a question.
Person answers the question.
Person sees someone over there.
Person walks away.

Again, I'm not kidding.
And these weren't complete strangers.
These people are family.

So, on and on it went, until it was time to leave. It wasn't horrible. It was just that I really noticed. I noticed that I connect to no one.

I've tried to come up with reasons why. My BF say's they aren't interested in anything that doesn't involved getting hammered. Shit faced. Three sheets to the wind. That could be true.

It could also be true, that I can't connect unless I am all of the above as well. Or I'm simply not interesting. Or I have nothing to offer that they would be interested in. Or I have nothing to offer at all.  Or I just don't care about what they are talking about.

I know, I'm always more comfortable talking about thing that matter. (matter to me anyway)  Like, for instance how someone feels, rather than what color dish towels they bought for their new kitchen that they just renovated.  Those people say I'm too deep. I say they are too shallow. There is probably no meeting in the middle here, because there is no middle.

Ultimately, it's okay. It's all okay. The eye opening part wasn't just how I spend my life being talked over, ignored, and on the sidelines. The eye opening part was also, how I need to start spending my time with people who are more like me. I'm not sure exactly where I will find them, but I know they are out there. I'm sure they are out there. It might mean I have to do some things that are scary, but I don't mind putting myself out there if there is a payoff in the end.

Hope, the square peg who is done trying to force herself into the round hole.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Early Signs...Lines, Separating, and Sorting

As I've mentioned, one of the early signs of autism spectrum disorder, is a tendency for the child to line things up. Back when this first start happening in my household I really didn't have a clue as to what it could mean. Although my son did seem lost in his own world, it was as if he would snap out of it from time to time and make contact. I guess I told myself he was just really focusing on what he was looking at or doing. When these odd behaviors did present themselves I thought it was cute. After all, this was my son. I thought everything he did was cute.

 I remember when I first learned that this behavior was an early sign of autism. It was like a slideshow in fast forward had been turned on inside my head. I saw image after image after image of what my son had been doing for years. Being somewhat obsessed with taking photographs, I caught a lot of it and figured I would share some here. Incidentally, I never did try to alter or change this behavior. I'm sure I thought something like,  he's  "like me", he likes to organize. In any case, I'm glad that I let Jack be Jack.

When Jack first started his lining, separating and sorting he was still just learning to talk. He couldn't say his Th's and instead they came out as F's. He knew exactly what he doing when he engaged in this type of play.  In his own words, I proudly present...." Making Straight Fingy's"

Pairs stayed together.

Tub toys were always lined up on the edge of the tub.

Lines could be vertical.

And very tall.

Lining up the Easter eggs...

and sorting the Halloween Candy!

Lining up the Kitchen chairs. I was putting away laundry while this happened.

Lining up the cones at Daddy's work.

Sorting and lining up the Lunchables. 

Lining up his socks. 

With his new love of trains, the lines came in the form of a track, which was more "normal."

Only his trains were usually lined up in a row right beside the track, instead of on it.

Pairs of trains.

Pairs of Guitars.

The pine cone city.

Lines in the sand.

Just like with all behavior, if it's done often enough it becomes a part of who the person is. You really have to focus and think (or at least I do) to pick it out. If someone would have asked me, "Does Jack still line things up?" , I would have said. "No, he outgrew that behavior."

Except that these photos were taken fairly recently.

Lines of Lego Guys

I'm sure I have more somewhere. His matchbox cars and trains were always in big lines along the carpet. When he wasn't spinning the wheels. A simple search on Google with the words "Autism line things up" will provide more examples of this type of behavior. It brought back a lot of memories. Most of which are good, because as I said, I was pretty oblivious at first. 

The latest update, is the Anxiety is back, as I said it would be. He's now having what I can only describe as Obsessive OCD type "thoughts". I've decided not to wait until Summer as planned and have put another call in to the doctors office. Their less than than timely response is starting to annoy me though, and I'm probably going to make another call tomorrow to a place that was recommended by a friend. 

As for me, I've heard back from the Specialist, and apparently for adults Diagnostic Assessment is pretty damn costly. Of course it is. Nothing is cheap, or easy. So for now, I'm on the back burner until funds magically appear. 

Hope, who is still knee deep in figuring it all out.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Living is hard.

It's true. It takes effort and work and an endless supply of energy. I have a lot of work to do today, so I have to find a way to do it. But I can't yet. I can't because I'm stuck. It happens every time something is unresolved. Every time there is no communication. I see people all the time who's lives are in turmoil or limbo and somehow they keep going. Nothing is resolved but they are able to still live like it is. I don't understand that, because I can't move on until something is complete. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. It feels worse. It feels like hell. Again, I've tried to explain this so that maybe we could do things differently here. I've tried to explain what happens so that maybe this can be avoided. But I'm only one person. If I were one person alone this would never happen. Not being alone, makes it necessary for the other person to actually get it. To listen and to understand. I'm sure this makes no sense. I'm getting really good at making no sense to anyone, which is why I finally reached out to a Specialist today. I thought that maybe with everything I'm finding out I could share that information and together we could come up with ways to make our relationship work for both of us. So far, I've gotten nowhere. He has no interest in learning anything. He doesn't even pretend like he's interested. Instead, I'm sure it's just become a royal pain in the ass, which is why he finds a way to shut me up anytime I try to talk. All this has done is exasperate every symptom and every anxiety. It's becoming like poison.

I've never lied about who I am. What I like. What I don't. What I can tolerate and what I can't. In fact if you go all the way back to my fun list of 101 things about me, you'll see this. You'll also see a large majority of AS symptoms. Just the other day, I realised that people may not always think I'm serious. I like to be sarcastic, but sometimes I think people may take my blunt honestly as sarcasm, when it's really the truth. Or maybe it's because I laugh when I'm nervous. I don't know. But the point is. This is it. This is all I am. All I've ever been.

Right now (and for a while) there have been big issues and little issues. I can separate them on paper, but when all my triggers are set off at once, I can't separate them at all. They all become big. They all  become a threat.

I've talked about some of the big things already, but lets talk about the little things. And in doing so, let's talk about Sheldon. Everyone loves The Big Bang Theory, right?  We laugh, because it takes all these little issues and blows them up to a ridiculous size, and in turn, makes them funny. Or at least seem funny to most people. Since the first time I saw the show, though, all I could think was...I'm exactly like that. Not with his insane intelligence or interests of course, but his traits. His inflexibility. His intense dislike for change. His need for his world to be "how it is" in order for him to feel comfortable. Again, most of these things come off as funny, hilarious even, when you watch the show, but inside I'm feeling his discomfort. I feel what he feels when someone is in his seat. I don't have a seat of my own, here, but if I did and no one else sat it in it, my world be more comfortable. Seem stupid? Maybe, but that's the way it is. Think Archie Bunker, who by the way, if you look closely also exhibits a lot of the same behavior traits. Every once in a while I'll get to sit in the same in the same place for a while and I get comfortable and then it changes again. I know how Sheldon feels when hes a passenger in a car. Completely out of control. I know how he feels when it's Wednesday and it's Halo Night, and no one is playing Halo. I know how he feels when he gets his food and it's not what he ordered or what he was expecting. Again, it's funny, for the most part, until it's you that has these issues. Until it's you that can't make sure all the little things line up neatly in their little rows so that you can feel safe. We've never actually seen Sheldon have a meltdown. Technically, I don't think they've ever acknowledged that his Character has Aspergers, even though we all know he does.

In the real world all these little things add up. And while it might be funny for my BF to continue drinking whatever drink I have sitting around, for me it's not. For me, that one little thing, done over and over again, even after I have repeatedly stated that I hate it, causes inner chaos. If I'm already at a Critical Limit or under a lot of stress, that one act could set off an entire set of explosives in my head. It hasn't yet, but my point is, it could. And it's not OCD, and it's not just control issues, and it's not just Anxiety.

I don't know what my main objective in writing this was. I guess I just feel the walls closing in. To me, it almost seems like, if I say I really don't like something, it becomes that one thing that keeps being done over and over again. Almost on purpose. If you found a stray cat that freaked out every time you touched it's head, would you keep touching it's head? And if so, why? If you think by doing it you're somehow going to force the cat to like it, you're wrong. Jesus, why the hell am I talking about cats now?

Okay, I have work to do. Somehow, someway, probably with medication, I'm going to shift my focus.

Hope, who may have just wanted to talk about The Big Bang Theory...and a stray cat.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Impossible Questions.

I don't normally shy away from answering questions. If it's about facts, something I know, or something I have experience in I can answer freely. Jack asks me a million questions a day, it seems, and I answer to the best of my ability. If I don't know the answer, I suggest we look it up. The why questions can be the most annoying, but even then, I do my best to be patient and answer, because I distinctly remember asking why as  a child simply because I really wanted to know. I needed to know why something was or wasn't. That was how I learned. The "because I said so" answer, would anger me, because it gave me nothing concrete. I learned nothing and I couldn't move on.

The impossible questions, however, are the questions that people ask one another every day. The seemingly simple questions, that really only require a quick nod and a lie in response. These are the questions that stump me and send my brain into overdrive. My BF just sent a text and  he asked, "How are you?"  I stared at it for at least 10 minutes trying to figure out how to answer it. He will ask this a lot...a text of how is your day?  I always struggle with it, but normally I can text back with that quick nod and a lie. "It's fine." "Okay, how's yours?"  etc..

"How is your day?" A question that is asked continuously by friends, coworkers, strangers, store clerks, and family. This question paralyzes me. First of all, do you really want to know? Am I supposed to actually tell you how my day is going or is it just the lie you want? The quick one or two word version that doesn't even remotely resemble how my day is going. This could seem like over analyzing but I assure you it's not. I remember how angry I was when I first realised that people don't really want an honest answer. I was still a kid but thought, then why ask??  What's the point of that?  Naive? Maybe I was. But in my defense I don't ask any questions that I don't want an answer to. Ever. Small Talk. Exchanging niceties?  That's what it is. I'm adult, I know that now, so it no longer makes me angry, but I still think it's pointless. To make an exchange, basically, a verbal exchange, but actually end up exchanging nothing at all.  The clerk says "How are you?" I say "Fine, how are you?"  They say. "Fine." ...blah, blah, blah...all the while I'm staring at something, anything, other than them... and, voila! all is well with the world. Verbal exchange of absolutely nothing...COMPLETE!  As uncomfortable as it makes me, I know the drill. With strangers at least.

Now, when someone in my life asks the Impossible Question it's a little more difficult for me. Sometimes I think they really might want to know the honest answer, especially if I haven't seen or talked to them in a while. This, we like to refer to as "catching up". Normally these type of things are planned so I can pretty much have my script of information all prepared on "how I am."  If I happen to bump into to someone, say at the grocery store or something, and they say, "Hey Hope, how are you?"  I will, undoubtedly, not answer and blurt something out like. "Wow, you have a lot of kids!"  (True story, by the way, just happened the other day)

But back to my BF's question...he sees me every day and asks me every day, chances are he isn't all that interested in knowing that I felt "off" all day... and just had another panic attack... so I took an Ativan. Right? That would be my guess, anyway, an educated guess backed up with a lot of personal data. He's just looking for the..."My day is okay."  Very generic. Very little information. Nothing too personal. No one has to give a shit about anything. Especially, how my day is going. PHEW...Dodged that bullet.

Seriously, though. Small talk, just ain't my thang.  I'd rather gossip, because at least then there is an exchange of information. I've been saying repeatedly lately that I really need to know exactly what someone thinks or feels because I'm sucking at guessing. Maybe I can notify all who know me to be more specific?  There could be a code or something. Like if you're just doing the small, (I don't really give a shit,) talk...we could say "How are you?"  and then if you're really interested in knowing anything we could have a different code, like..."How the FUCK are you?"  or something....


That could work.

Hope, who has also come to hate the question..."So...what do you do for fun?"  Uhh.....

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Fight or Flight

I've been in and out of this mode continuously today. It usually takes me a good hour to come down so it's been quite the roller coaster. I've tried alcohol, staying constantly busy, and deep breathing. I finally settled on an Ativan because I'm hoping it will help me sleep longer than four hours tonight.

Literally, every one of my buttons has been pushed. Every trigger set off. Why? It's a Kid weekend.

I'm a single parent to a son, who despite his challenges, anxieties, and quirkiness, is an amazingly well behaved child. He's a rule follower. He's quiet. He's fairly neat for an 8, almost 9 year old. He's routine. He very rarely needs any kind of discipline. In fact, I can't even remember the last time he was disciplined. He just simply responds to knowing what is accepted and what isn't. His only form of meltdown is usually directed toward homework, a video game, or himself (perfectionism), and even then it progresses to tears and we can work through it fairly quickly. Not to say he's doesn't try my patience daily, because he does, but basically he is a good kid. Almost too good, but given who I am, this works well for me.

I'm also a single Mom who lives with her boyfriend. Every other weekend we get a "break" and actually have two whole kid free days to ourselves. If I had to list the benefits of divorce, this would be number one on that list. Of course, this also means on the opposite weekend we have three kids. My one and his two. His two are not rule followers. In fact, I don't see that they have any set rules at all. His two are not quiet ( mine, who is easily stimulated is not as quiet when they are here either). His two have no routine. His two are the opposite of neat. And lastly, his two fight. They're siblings. Of course they fight. This is all pretty normal, I suspect.  Just not for me.

Where we plan and like to know what's next, they fly by the seat of their pants. Where we are not interested in groups or sports, they are very busy team players. Our weekends and activities obviously have to revolve around their schedule. A schedule I very rarely know about until the last minute, which either prevents me from making plans or it constantly screws up any plans I had. I'm still irritated right now, so I'm sure this is coming off as I'm right, and he's wrong, and that's not what I'm trying to say. We're just different. Completely different. From what I can tell, I'm the only one who is having a hard time functioning with these differences.  What I'm trying to say is this particular "way" isn't working for me.  This might seem selfish, and I realize that, which is why it's been so hard to voice in a way that someone else can understand. Even I hoped that maybe I could adjust, but I'm not. In fact, I'm getting worse.

We're going on our third year now, and if I were a normal person, I would probably be used to it by now. I'm not though. Not even close. I don't get " used to" things. If it makes me uncomfortable once it will make me uncomfortable forever. I'm not sure if this could be related to AS is any way, but it is definite part of my make up.

During these weekends, all of things I need to function and make sense of my world, are replaced with what I can only describe as an unpredictable tornado. Chaos. The whining and the fighting sends my nervous system straight into hell. While I realize, again, this is probably very normal, it is not something I tolerate well at all. (I can't even tolerate my own mothers raised voice whether she is angry or not.) Besides being like nails on a chalkboard, it sends my own emotions into overdrive. If I hear or sense the tension/anger, I somehow absorb it. (This I've learned is most likely a part of AS, as is everything else) Not knowing how to deal with these emotions (that are not even mine to begin with) makes me want to flee the situation. My instinct is to run. The constant changing of plans, directly conflicts with my intense dislike (to put it mildly) of last minute changes and my inability to switch on a dime. This adds to the already panicked feeling inside me. And, of course, the mess. I've already discussed how my outer world needs to be organized in order for my inner world to be organized as well. If it's not, I have an extremely hard time dealing with anything. Anything. I can't concentrate. I can't regulate my emotions.

(I wrote half of this last night, and finally passed out. The other half I'm writing today.)

What has ultimately ended up happening on these weekends, is because I can't keep my "world" manageable , I end up taking Ativan. And while it works like a charm, when I try to stop taking it, it sends my whole system into a withdrawal like I've never felt before. I've had people tell me, if you only take the lowest dose, or if you don't take it every day, it shouldn't be a problem. Even the Nurse Practitioner doesn't seem to think I'm taking too much. But, I still have a problem. I've read over and over again that people with AS are highly sensitive to medication and don't require the recommended dosage. I've always been this way. It's rare that a drug actually effects me the way it's supposed to.  I've done okay with Celexa but Wellbutrin took all of my symptoms and amplified them, as did Zoloft. I can see why some people will kill themselves on those type of drugs if that's what it does to you. What's worse is if you tell your doctor, they say, "oh, it takes a while to work, just keep taking it." Seriously!? It's statements like that, that convince me they are the crazy ones.

I don't really know what to do about any of this. I could say, hopefully, I'm not alone here, but I'm sure I am. (I just had a deja vu). Perhaps someone might suggest, I talk about it, and try to come up with a solution that works for everyone, but I'm the only one with the problem. A problem that no one else is remotely interested in learning anything about. I try talking. I apparently suck at it and everything comes out seeming like blame. No one wants to be blamed. I don't mean for it to come out that way, but when I'm upset enough to even attempt to voice it, my emotions are already at a level that is uncontrollable. Pair that with my bluntness and you've got the beginning of fight that no one can ever win. It's pointless.

My BF, just informed me that, we won't have our free weekend next weekend either, due to the kids schedule. After all of my cross wiring so far this weekend, what do you think happened in my head? Routine. Routine. Routine. INTERRUPTED. If I voice this, which I won't because I know better now...this is where I get the "Why can't you just?" comments. BECAUSE I CAN'T! This is where my own frustration with not being able to be who other people want me to be causes me to feel less, and broken, and probably better off alone.

So, for a few days that's what I will be. Instead of staying here next weekend and twisting and turning around other peoples schedules, I'm going to take some time for myself. It's Mother's Day weekend, so why not. I won't have my child with me, because he'll be with his dad, and I'm sure that just because I'll be alone, won't mean I'll be lonely...

Hope, who sometimes wishes she was someone else.