Saturday, November 5, 2011

The calm after the storm?

This is what I'm hoping for. We were hit with a freak October Storm that pretty much put the whole area out of commission for about 5 days. For me personally, it basically cancelled out most of the work I had put in for the past two weeks to come up with the money I need to file my bankruptcy case.  The lesson here?  I don't know. Hard work doesn't always pay off...because Mother Nature is a bitch?  There's nothing I can do but start again. That unfortunately doesn't do anything to lessen the stress. And my stress level at this point is...unmanageable. I need to get this taken care of. I can't go 30 minutes throughout my day without the phone ringing. A constant reminder. But when you only have about 200 dollars a month to spare providing nothing else comes take a really fucking long time to come up with 2000 dollars. Unless of course you work day and night. And if you work day and night, nothing else will ever get done.

 My hair is falling out again. I'm finding it everywhere. It's all over the floor. It's in my car. It's on the outside of my car. It's even in the fridge. I've had three periods in six weeks. If that's what they are. My hormones are out of control.  My doctor has me on medicine that only makes me feel worse. It's obvious I need to reduce the stress. But all of this shit that is happening to me physically because of the's also adding to the stress. I'm like a fucking hampster on the wheel. I keep running and running and I'm not getting anywhere. I sit. Three vodka drinks down and one to be made soon. It's the only thing that helps. And right now I need help. Tomorrow I can start again. Maybe the bleeding will stop. Maybe my hands won't be full of hair when I take a shower.  Maybe tomorrow I won't feel like smashing my head into a brick wall.

This is what I'm hoping for.

Hope, who is now on her way to make that fourth drink.