Monday, December 23, 2013

The longest hiatus since the last long hiatus...

Well, that was certainly a long break, even though it was nothing like anything that would even closely resemble a "break". Where have I been? (asked no one, ever.) Eh, I've been around. In all honestly I've been sitting right here, in this very seat. So close. So very, very close and yet so fucking far away.

I wish I could say it was something exciting and fabulous that kept me away, but unfortunately, it was work. A lot of it. I worked days, some nights, and most weekends since the end of October. It was a nice run, but with Christmas, and winter and extra bills, I sit here today, two days before Christmas with nothing left to show for it. I'm trying to not to let it feel like it was all for nothing, but...well, it feels like it was all for nothing. *sigh*.

In other news, I finally broke down and made "the call" to my parents. Not before I had sent a second email, once again, trying to... I don't know... break through a brick wall? The response was generic, completely ignoring the issue at hand. If it wasn't for my Father's Birthday being at the beginning of December I would still be resisting contact. But my old friend, Guilt, stopped by for a visit and I had a hard time resisting his argument. I made excuses like, it's not his fault he can't stand up to her...and he's old now, he's set in his ways. He's from a different time. A time when parents didn't know anything. That last one made me laugh. Mostly because it's kind of true. So, anyway, I did the right (right?) thing and called to wish him a Happy Birthday after sending him a card with some Birthday money. I also spoke with my mother. After nearly three months of no contact, She acted as if nothing had happened. She addressed nothing I had confronted her about in my emails and she was almost cheerful. It was a difficult call for me for a few reasons. This "pretending" she does isn't new. This has gone on my whole life and was confusing at best, crazy making at it's worst. I dealt with it though. I put on my mask and pretended right along with her, talking about nothing of any real importance and only offering bits and pieces of information. Nothing more than I would share with a complete stranger. This seemed to make her happy. A week later her Birthday rolled around, so I repeated this same act of sending the card, money and making the call. The incident was almost identical to the one before, except for the part where I had to pick out the card. 

Mom, even when I was younger, I knew these things for sure...

We have such a special connection, Mom.

Mom, I love how easy it is to talk to you.

Happy Birthday to a good listener, a great friend...

You're incredible, Mom.

I've learned a lot from you, Mom...just by watching how you do things and how you approach life...

What is a Mom? She's words that encourage, hugs that care and hands that help when you need it the most.

Mom, what would I do without you? Who would I call when I'm having one of those days?

And on and on they went, one sappy card after another, filled with words like trust and love and talking and listening and closeness. I couldn't find anything at all that said..."Sorry we don't connect. Happy Birthday anyway!"  I finally settled on something I could have sent my elderly neighbor, along with Christmas cards and more money. 

That was a week or so ago. It's now two days before Christmas and I've yet to receive a Christmas card for either myself or my son. Should I be surprised?  No.  Of course not. I'm am not a stupid woman. I swear to you I am not and to prove it, I've decided that in 2014 I'm going to stop acting like one. 

Drink and be Festive! (My new Holiday wishes designed to offend only recovering alcoholics)

Hope, who only had this time to write because it got too dark to paint. Thank you, daylight savings time.