Monday, January 9, 2012


It's been a while as usual.  Partly due to the busy Holiday season, which went least the parts that I can remember...and party because I've been at a loss for words.  Tonight I got a visit from my long loss friend, Insomnia. I am. I keep thinking maybe I could just sleep. If I lay down. If I try to close my eyes. If I try really hard. Or maybe I should use this time to my advantage. Do some writing. Not this, of course, but some real writing.  I have a lot of ideas. A flood of ideas, actually, but instead, here I am.

I have a lot going on all at once, so this sudden flood of adreneline is really no surprise.  I have a lot that I could worry about, but ironically and almost suddenly, I'm not really that worried. I'm just kind of sick of having a lot going on.  New Years Eve pretty much brought all my worries to a head. And the bits and pieces that I can recall changed everything.  With New Years Day came a sort of forced acceptance. Of everything. Of who I am, what I've done, what's ahead. I've just accepted it all. Fighting it has been exhausting.  I feel better now. 

I'm going to be forty in a few weeks. Forty. A milestone...or so they say.  I'm not really as freaked out about that as I thought might be. I don't really mind getting older...I just wish the average life expectancy was more like 200 or 300...that's all. The most noticable thing about being almost forty is that if by some chance you're lucky enough to get another 40's still half over.  That part sucks. The other part that sucks is I haven't spent nearly enough of those 40 years doing the things that I want to do. I can see why the mid life crisis is so popular.  But as for the rest...I'm taking it in stride. My body that will never be the thinning face and the fine wrinkles that keep getting deeper and deeper with each passing year.  These things I'll wear like a badge.  Like each line and aching bone has been earned. Because it has.

I didn't make any official Resolutions this year, but so far, without too much effort, I've been able to let myself relax. On the inside and out. It's probably that acceptance thing, or maybe the realization that in the end not much of the little shit is going to matter.

Hope, who knows that once she gets over the hurdles...this is sure to be the best year of her life.