Early Signs...Lines, Separating, and Sorting

As I've mentioned, one of the early signs of autism spectrum disorder, is a tendency for the child to line things up. Back when this first start happening in my household I really didn't have a clue as to what it could mean. Although my son did seem lost in his own world, it was as if he would snap out of it from time to time and make contact. I guess I told myself he was just really focusing on what he was looking at or doing. When these odd behaviors did present themselves I thought it was cute. After all, this was my son. I thought everything he did was cute.

 I remember when I first learned that this behavior was an early sign of autism. It was like a slideshow in fast forward had been turned on inside my head. I saw image after image after image of what my son had been doing for years. Being somewhat obsessed with taking photographs, I caught a lot of it and figured I would share some here. Incidentally, I never did try to alter or change this behavior. I'm sure I thought something like,  he's  "like me", he likes to organize. In any case, I'm glad that I let Jack be Jack.

When Jack first started his lining, separating and sorting he was still just learning to talk. He couldn't say his Th's and instead they came out as F's. He knew exactly what he doing when he engaged in this type of play.  In his own words, I proudly present...." Making Straight Fingy's"

Pairs stayed together.

Tub toys were always lined up on the edge of the tub.

Lines could be vertical.

And very tall.

Lining up the Easter eggs...

and sorting the Halloween Candy!

Lining up the Kitchen chairs. I was putting away laundry while this happened.

Lining up the cones at Daddy's work.

Sorting and lining up the Lunchables. 

Lining up his socks. 

With his new love of trains, the lines came in the form of a track, which was more "normal."

Only his trains were usually lined up in a row right beside the track, instead of on it.

Pairs of trains.

Pairs of Guitars.

The pine cone city.

Lines in the sand.

Just like with all behavior, if it's done often enough it becomes a part of who the person is. You really have to focus and think (or at least I do) to pick it out. If someone would have asked me, "Does Jack still line things up?" , I would have said. "No, he outgrew that behavior."

Except that these photos were taken fairly recently.

Lines of Lego Guys

I'm sure I have more somewhere. His matchbox cars and trains were always in big lines along the carpet. When he wasn't spinning the wheels. A simple search on Google with the words "Autism line things up" will provide more examples of this type of behavior. It brought back a lot of memories. Most of which are good, because as I said, I was pretty oblivious at first. 

The latest update, is the Anxiety is back, as I said it would be. He's now having what I can only describe as Obsessive OCD type "thoughts". I've decided not to wait until Summer as planned and have put another call in to the doctors office. Their less than than timely response is starting to annoy me though, and I'm probably going to make another call tomorrow to a place that was recommended by a friend. 

As for me, I've heard back from the Specialist, and apparently for adults Diagnostic Assessment is pretty damn costly. Of course it is. Nothing is cheap, or easy. So for now, I'm on the back burner until funds magically appear. 

Hope, who is still knee deep in figuring it all out.

Living is hard.

It's true. It takes effort and work and an endless supply of energy. I have a lot of work to do today, so I have to find a way to do it. But I can't yet. I can't because I'm stuck. It happens every time something is unresolved. Every time there is no communication. I see people all the time who's lives are in turmoil or limbo and somehow they keep going. Nothing is resolved but they are able to still live like it is. I don't understand that, because I can't move on until something is complete. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous. It feels worse. It feels like hell. Again, I've tried to explain this so that maybe we could do things differently here. I've tried to explain what happens so that maybe this can be avoided. But I'm only one person. If I were one person alone this would never happen. Not being alone, makes it necessary for the other person to actually get it. To listen and to understand. I'm sure this makes no sense. I'm getting really good at making no sense to anyone, which is why I finally reached out to a Specialist today. I thought that maybe with everything I'm finding out I could share that information and together we could come up with ways to make our relationship work for both of us. So far, I've gotten nowhere. He has no interest in learning anything. He doesn't even pretend like he's interested. Instead, I'm sure it's just become a royal pain in the ass, which is why he finds a way to shut me up anytime I try to talk. All this has done is exasperate every symptom and every anxiety. It's becoming like poison.

I've never lied about who I am. What I like. What I don't. What I can tolerate and what I can't. In fact if you go all the way back to my fun list of 101 things about me, you'll see this. You'll also see a large majority of AS symptoms. Just the other day, I realised that people may not always think I'm serious. I like to be sarcastic, but sometimes I think people may take my blunt honestly as sarcasm, when it's really the truth. Or maybe it's because I laugh when I'm nervous. I don't know. But the point is. This is it. This is all I am. All I've ever been.

Right now (and for a while) there have been big issues and little issues. I can separate them on paper, but when all my triggers are set off at once, I can't separate them at all. They all become big. They all  become a threat.

I've talked about some of the big things already, but lets talk about the little things. And in doing so, let's talk about Sheldon. Everyone loves The Big Bang Theory, right?  We laugh, because it takes all these little issues and blows them up to a ridiculous size, and in turn, makes them funny. Or at least seem funny to most people. Since the first time I saw the show, though, all I could think was...I'm exactly like that. Not with his insane intelligence or interests of course, but his traits. His inflexibility. His intense dislike for change. His need for his world to be "how it is" in order for him to feel comfortable. Again, most of these things come off as funny, hilarious even, when you watch the show, but inside I'm feeling his discomfort. I feel what he feels when someone is in his seat. I don't have a seat of my own, here, but if I did and no one else sat it in it, my world be more comfortable. Seem stupid? Maybe, but that's the way it is. Think Archie Bunker, who by the way, if you look closely also exhibits a lot of the same behavior traits. Every once in a while I'll get to sit in the same in the same place for a while and I get comfortable and then it changes again. I know how Sheldon feels when hes a passenger in a car. Completely out of control. I know how he feels when it's Wednesday and it's Halo Night, and no one is playing Halo. I know how he feels when he gets his food and it's not what he ordered or what he was expecting. Again, it's funny, for the most part, until it's you that has these issues. Until it's you that can't make sure all the little things line up neatly in their little rows so that you can feel safe. We've never actually seen Sheldon have a meltdown. Technically, I don't think they've ever acknowledged that his Character has Aspergers, even though we all know he does.

In the real world all these little things add up. And while it might be funny for my BF to continue drinking whatever drink I have sitting around, for me it's not. For me, that one little thing, done over and over again, even after I have repeatedly stated that I hate it, causes inner chaos. If I'm already at a Critical Limit or under a lot of stress, that one act could set off an entire set of explosives in my head. It hasn't yet, but my point is, it could. And it's not OCD, and it's not just control issues, and it's not just Anxiety.

I don't know what my main objective in writing this was. I guess I just feel the walls closing in. To me, it almost seems like, if I say I really don't like something, it becomes that one thing that keeps being done over and over again. Almost on purpose. If you found a stray cat that freaked out every time you touched it's head, would you keep touching it's head? And if so, why? If you think by doing it you're somehow going to force the cat to like it, you're wrong. Jesus, why the hell am I talking about cats now?

Okay, I have work to do. Somehow, someway, probably with medication, I'm going to shift my focus.

Hope, who may have just wanted to talk about The Big Bang Theory...and a stray cat.

Impossible Questions.

I don't normally shy away from answering questions. If it's about facts, something I know, or something I have experience in I can answer freely. Jack asks me a million questions a day, it seems, and I answer to the best of my ability. If I don't know the answer, I suggest we look it up. The why questions can be the most annoying, but even then, I do my best to be patient and answer, because I distinctly remember asking why as  a child simply because I really wanted to know. I needed to know why something was or wasn't. That was how I learned. The "because I said so" answer, would anger me, because it gave me nothing concrete. I learned nothing and I couldn't move on.

The impossible questions, however, are the questions that people ask one another every day. The seemingly simple questions, that really only require a quick nod and a lie in response. These are the questions that stump me and send my brain into overdrive. My BF just sent a text and  he asked, "How are you?"  I stared at it for at least 10 minutes trying to figure out how to answer it. He will ask this a lot...a text of how is your day?  I always struggle with it, but normally I can text back with that quick nod and a lie. "It's fine." "Okay, how's yours?"  etc..

"How is your day?" A question that is asked continuously by friends, coworkers, strangers, store clerks, and family. This question paralyzes me. First of all, do you really want to know? Am I supposed to actually tell you how my day is going or is it just the lie you want? The quick one or two word version that doesn't even remotely resemble how my day is going. This could seem like over analyzing but I assure you it's not. I remember how angry I was when I first realised that people don't really want an honest answer. I was still a kid but thought, then why ask??  What's the point of that?  Naive? Maybe I was. But in my defense I don't ask any questions that I don't want an answer to. Ever. Small Talk. Exchanging niceties?  That's what it is. I'm adult, I know that now, so it no longer makes me angry, but I still think it's pointless. To make an exchange, basically, a verbal exchange, but actually end up exchanging nothing at all.  The clerk says "How are you?" I say "Fine, how are you?"  They say. "Fine." ...blah, blah, blah...all the while I'm staring at something, anything, other than them... and, voila! all is well with the world. Verbal exchange of absolutely nothing...COMPLETE!  As uncomfortable as it makes me, I know the drill. With strangers at least.

Now, when someone in my life asks the Impossible Question it's a little more difficult for me. Sometimes I think they really might want to know the honest answer, especially if I haven't seen or talked to them in a while. This, we like to refer to as "catching up". Normally these type of things are planned so I can pretty much have my script of information all prepared on "how I am."  If I happen to bump into to someone, say at the grocery store or something, and they say, "Hey Hope, how are you?"  I will, undoubtedly, not answer and blurt something out like. "Wow, you have a lot of kids!"  (True story, by the way, just happened the other day)

But back to my BF's question...he sees me every day and asks me every day, chances are he isn't all that interested in knowing that I felt "off" all day... and just had another panic attack... so I took an Ativan. Right? That would be my guess, anyway, an educated guess backed up with a lot of personal data. He's just looking for the..."My day is okay."  Very generic. Very little information. Nothing too personal. No one has to give a shit about anything. Especially, how my day is going. PHEW...Dodged that bullet.

Seriously, though. Small talk, just ain't my thang.  I'd rather gossip, because at least then there is an exchange of information. I've been saying repeatedly lately that I really need to know exactly what someone thinks or feels because I'm sucking at guessing. Maybe I can notify all who know me to be more specific?  There could be a code or something. Like if you're just doing the small, (I don't really give a shit,) talk...we could say "How are you?"  and then if you're really interested in knowing anything we could have a different code, like..."How the FUCK are you?"  or something....

Hmmm.

That could work.

Hope, who has also come to hate the question..."So...what do you do for fun?"  Uhh.....

Fight or Flight

I've been in and out of this mode continuously today. It usually takes me a good hour to come down so it's been quite the roller coaster. I've tried alcohol, staying constantly busy, and deep breathing. I finally settled on an Ativan because I'm hoping it will help me sleep longer than four hours tonight.

Literally, every one of my buttons has been pushed. Every trigger set off. Why? It's a Kid weekend.

I'm a single parent to a son, who despite his challenges, anxieties, and quirkiness, is an amazingly well behaved child. He's a rule follower. He's quiet. He's fairly neat for an 8, almost 9 year old. He's routine. He very rarely needs any kind of discipline. In fact, I can't even remember the last time he was disciplined. He just simply responds to knowing what is accepted and what isn't. His only form of meltdown is usually directed toward homework, a video game, or himself (perfectionism), and even then it progresses to tears and we can work through it fairly quickly. Not to say he's doesn't try my patience daily, because he does, but basically he is a good kid. Almost too good, but given who I am, this works well for me.

I'm also a single Mom who lives with her boyfriend. Every other weekend we get a "break" and actually have two whole kid free days to ourselves. If I had to list the benefits of divorce, this would be number one on that list. Of course, this also means on the opposite weekend we have three kids. My one and his two. His two are not rule followers. In fact, I don't see that they have any set rules at all. His two are not quiet ( mine, who is easily stimulated is not as quiet when they are here either). His two have no routine. His two are the opposite of neat. And lastly, his two fight. They're siblings. Of course they fight. This is all pretty normal, I suspect.  Just not for me.

Where we plan and like to know what's next, they fly by the seat of their pants. Where we are not interested in groups or sports, they are very busy team players. Our weekends and activities obviously have to revolve around their schedule. A schedule I very rarely know about until the last minute, which either prevents me from making plans or it constantly screws up any plans I had. I'm still irritated right now, so I'm sure this is coming off as I'm right, and he's wrong, and that's not what I'm trying to say. We're just different. Completely different. From what I can tell, I'm the only one who is having a hard time functioning with these differences.  What I'm trying to say is this particular "way" isn't working for me.  This might seem selfish, and I realize that, which is why it's been so hard to voice in a way that someone else can understand. Even I hoped that maybe I could adjust, but I'm not. In fact, I'm getting worse.

We're going on our third year now, and if I were a normal person, I would probably be used to it by now. I'm not though. Not even close. I don't get " used to" things. If it makes me uncomfortable once it will make me uncomfortable forever. I'm not sure if this could be related to AS is any way, but it is definite part of my make up.

During these weekends, all of things I need to function and make sense of my world, are replaced with what I can only describe as an unpredictable tornado. Chaos. The whining and the fighting sends my nervous system straight into hell. While I realize, again, this is probably very normal, it is not something I tolerate well at all. (I can't even tolerate my own mothers raised voice whether she is angry or not.) Besides being like nails on a chalkboard, it sends my own emotions into overdrive. If I hear or sense the tension/anger, I somehow absorb it. (This I've learned is most likely a part of AS, as is everything else) Not knowing how to deal with these emotions (that are not even mine to begin with) makes me want to flee the situation. My instinct is to run. The constant changing of plans, directly conflicts with my intense dislike (to put it mildly) of last minute changes and my inability to switch on a dime. This adds to the already panicked feeling inside me. And, of course, the mess. I've already discussed how my outer world needs to be organized in order for my inner world to be organized as well. If it's not, I have an extremely hard time dealing with anything. Anything. I can't concentrate. I can't regulate my emotions.

(I wrote half of this last night, and finally passed out. The other half I'm writing today.)

What has ultimately ended up happening on these weekends, is because I can't keep my "world" manageable , I end up taking Ativan. And while it works like a charm, when I try to stop taking it, it sends my whole system into a withdrawal like I've never felt before. I've had people tell me, if you only take the lowest dose, or if you don't take it every day, it shouldn't be a problem. Even the Nurse Practitioner doesn't seem to think I'm taking too much. But, I still have a problem. I've read over and over again that people with AS are highly sensitive to medication and don't require the recommended dosage. I've always been this way. It's rare that a drug actually effects me the way it's supposed to.  I've done okay with Celexa but Wellbutrin took all of my symptoms and amplified them, as did Zoloft. I can see why some people will kill themselves on those type of drugs if that's what it does to you. What's worse is if you tell your doctor, they say, "oh, it takes a while to work, just keep taking it." Seriously!? It's statements like that, that convince me they are the crazy ones.

I don't really know what to do about any of this. I could say, hopefully, I'm not alone here, but I'm sure I am. (I just had a deja vu). Perhaps someone might suggest, I talk about it, and try to come up with a solution that works for everyone, but I'm the only one with the problem. A problem that no one else is remotely interested in learning anything about. I try talking. I apparently suck at it and everything comes out seeming like blame. No one wants to be blamed. I don't mean for it to come out that way, but when I'm upset enough to even attempt to voice it, my emotions are already at a level that is uncontrollable. Pair that with my bluntness and you've got the beginning of fight that no one can ever win. It's pointless.

My BF, just informed me that, we won't have our free weekend next weekend either, due to the kids schedule. After all of my cross wiring so far this weekend, what do you think happened in my head? Routine. Routine. Routine. INTERRUPTED. If I voice this, which I won't because I know better now...this is where I get the "Why can't you just?" comments. BECAUSE I CAN'T! This is where my own frustration with not being able to be who other people want me to be causes me to feel less, and broken, and probably better off alone.

So, for a few days that's what I will be. Instead of staying here next weekend and twisting and turning around other peoples schedules, I'm going to take some time for myself. It's Mother's Day weekend, so why not. I won't have my child with me, because he'll be with his dad, and I'm sure that just because I'll be alone, won't mean I'll be lonely...

Hope, who sometimes wishes she was someone else. 

Unable to Read File.

I'm not going to waste too much time here today. My time is better spent working because that's what I'm good at. Being productive, getting things done, and filling up every other spare moment of my time with getting more things done. I can excel in this area at the expense of all others. And that's fine. That's the way it has to be.

After an argument last night over communication or lack of communication I woke up feeling spent. Empty and completely at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do from here. While I feel like I express myself well I probably don't, because what I say gets overlooked or completely missed. This is the main reason I started writing in the first place. I remember when I was a child and I couldn't get my mother to understand what I was trying to say, I wrote a poem and asked her to read it. The wrath that came after she read it should have taught me then to never again put another thought or feeling down in writing. It didn't, obviously, but it left a mark. I never stopped writing, but I stopped trying to express my feelings verbally. I stopped talking, and only started again when I stopped being afraid of losing her love. When I stopped needing her love. When the anger became so much bigger than the hurt, I was able to spit it out without caring whether or not there was still someone standing there when I was done.

That's how I feel now. Maybe it's not the same. Maybe it is. It really doesn't matter.

Things that are important to you aren't always going to be important to someone else. This is what I have to keep reminding myself. Honestly it doesn't help to know that. I can let other people talk on and on and on. I can even say a few things here and there.  But it takes so much effort for me to talk about a subject that's important to me. I immediately go in scared to death of the reaction I'm going to get. I don't think everyone else has this problem. Maybe it's the anxiety. In any case, if I happen to work up the courage to actually talk and it's met with a dismissive or indifferent response (which means lack or interest or lack of caring? I honestly don't know), it goes back to the vault. I literally hear all the iron gates and doors slamming, one right after the other. I can't change it. I can't stop it.

To sum it up, it sucks. Communicating with another human being sucks. The resentment, defensiveness, and raised voices end up becoming explosive, leaving the actual thing you want to communicate buried under the debris. Maybe I just don't know how to do it. I'm too blunt. I know this, but I can't be any other way. I get to the point and say what I mean to say. I don't say things I don't mean. I also don't bring my concerns to people so they can "reassure" me that what I think is not the case. I only bring my concerns to people when I believe my concerns are valid and deserve some consideration. I don't dance around things, or beat around the bush. If I say I'm fat, I'm certainly not saying it so you will tell me I'm not. I'm saying it because I put on extra weight and I'm fucking fat.

This is where that honestly thing usually bites me in the ass. This is where I get completely lost. Eventually, though, I try again. Not because I can't let anything go, but because I can't move on until something is complete or finished. If it's not at least settled in my mind, I will live with it forever. Most people can ignore things fairly easy. They sweep them under the rug. I don't know how they do this. I can only ignore what I don't care about.

I said I wasn't going to waste too much time and I'm not. Trying to organize my thoughts/feelings into something that makes sense is the only way I can switch gears. If I can't do it verbally, I have to do it here.

Hope, who apologizes for my lack of whatever I don't have today.

The Rant, The Rave, and The Ridiculous

It may just be the way my brain works (or doesn't) but I tend to think a lot of things are ridiculous. The media for example. The media is ridiculous, and I try very hard not to get caught it up in their web whenever something tragic or devastating is happening. Then, when nothing tragic is happening, they become even more ridiculous covering stories that, in my opinion, consist of  gossip and bullshit, rather than actual news.

The FDA is also ridiculous. Pharmaceutical companies are ridiculous, as are Insurance companies. In fact, almost everything and everyone that has been put in place to protects us, ends up doing the exact opposite. I don't really trust doctors either. I've been lucky enough a couple of times to end up with a doctor that actually knew what they were doing and practiced medicine with integrity and a true intent to help. The majority of doctors offices, however, have now become a drive through service who's main objective is to hand out prescriptions, often without ever confirming the problem. (I've had my current doctor now for about four years and have never actually met her. I see the practitioner, who is young and eager to learn, but very easily fills prescriptions with only a brief explanation of my symptoms.) My distrust of doctors is probably the main thing that is keeping me from making that phone call to seek counseling for my anxiety, and my most recent suspicions. That, and the fact that it's scary as fucking hell to tell anything to a complete stranger, and then trust that they, somehow, know you better than you know yourself. It's ridiculous.

I'll admit, I tend to always lean towards the conspiracy theory way of thinking. Not to the point of paranoia or anything. I just tend to think a lot of things are bullshit. Question everything. That's what I do. That's what I've always done. I don't think it wins me many friends, but, luckily, I don't need many friends.

The latest bit of bullshit to hit my Ridiculous Meter is the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). With all the research that I've been doing on Autism/Asperger's Syndrome my attention was brought to the fact that the DSM is being revised and Asperger's Syndrome will be removed entirely, like someone is waving a magic wand. Poof!  Gone...never existed. Okay, well not entirely. Instead now all the the other Autism related disorders will now just be lumped into The Spectrum which will range from mild to severe. (Not sure what other names will fall in between...I mean, if you're not mild and you're not severe...what are you?) I've seen mixed reviews from people who are currently diagnosed, but I can certainly understand those that are upset by it. Most had to go through a process, to even accept having that label in the first place. A process that starts with denial, confusion, anger and finally ends with understanding and acceptance. So many of the people that I've been following have learned how to embrace that label and  accept themselves for who they are. Now, it's being taken away, like it never even happened.  Ridiculous? Little bit.

I'm not sure who or what the American Psychiatric Association consists of, to be honest, but if they're taking something away does that mean they shouldn't have put it there in the first place?? It wasn't that long ago that Manic Depression became known as Bi-Polar Disorder. What does that mean?  What changed?  Certainly not any of the people suffering from the condition. In addition to deletion of Aspergers, they are also adding a bunch of new Disorders so that those who suffer from nothing won't feel left out. (At least, I assume that's why). DMDD (disruptive mood dysregulation disorder) because, well, kids shouldn't be allowed to get angry.  Minor Neurocognitive Disorder, which basically means your brain is getting old and you have CRS (can't remember shit). And my favorite, Binge Eating Disorder, which says if you pig out 12 times in 3 months you get to have a Psychiatric Illness as well. (Great, I already have that one.) Ridiculous.

I'm sure there's more, but I had to stop my head from spinning, so I abandoned ship. Basically, what I get from all of this, is no one really knows anything for sure. What you have now, may not be what you have later. What's good for you now will probably end up killing you at some point. And lastly, just about everyone is full of shit. (Maybe that's a little harsh.)

It just seems as though the focus is on adding more imaginary problems and less on defining and really understanding problems that exist. For what it's worth there are a bunch of disorders, conditions and what have you that I don't even think should be considered a Psychiatric Illness, but what do I know? I know this: whenever I describe my son and his idiosyncrasies I may say he is not exactly like other kids, but I won't say he's not normal. And I won't say I'm not normal. Why? Because it doesn't really exist. In fact, I think I heard that the word itself is being removed from the new revised version of the Dictionary.

Hope, who probably does think too much...

The Trouble with Mondays.

Monday's in general are tough for the boy, but a Monday after a week of vacation is tougher. Today was no different. I hate that it has to be that way, but I understand why it is. Change. Adjustment. Switching Gears. The effort needed will always result in increased anxiety. Everything, even the things you know, once again become the unknown.

Since his anxiety about going to school escalated, I've had several people tell me he must be getting bullied. A few, in fact, insisted that was the reason he didn't want to go, because what other reason would there be? They also said  he was purposely not telling me. But, this child tells me everything. More than I need to know at times.

I'll admit that the possibility crossed my mind. I have asked him and I'm getting no kind of answer that even hints to that being the problem. I've emailed his teacher and he also does not see that as a problem. Is it possible that it could be happening and he's not even aware that's what it is? Sure. He could be feeling the discomfort of it and not be able to link it.  But, even then, I would think that something he says (and he says a lot) would click, but it's just not. Even his teacher has said, "Everyone seems to like Jack." My own time spent in his classroom reflects the same belief. It's a continuous broken record of, "Jack, Jack!  Hi Jack. Hey Jack!" He's certainly not being ignored, anyway. In fact, he surprised me during a recent visit I made to his classroom. He was student of the week and had to give a presentation. I was certain he would be filled with anxiety, but he wasn't. Instead it was the exact opposite. He was excited. It wasn't until after it was over that I realized why. The presentation was all about his interests.

In the afternoon when he gets off the bus it's more of the same broken record, "Bye Jack. Bye Jack!  Bye Jack!!!" On occasion I've asked him, "Who was that?" and he'll say, "I don't know. Some kid."  I recently read Twirling Naked in The Streets and No One Noticed by Jeannie Davide-Rivera. In the book she writes..."Everyone knows Jeannie, she just doesn't know them."  That one line struck a cord.

So, if it's not bullying, what is it? Although at times, he claims the work is too hard, his grades are excellent. His teacher's comments on his report card indicate he has mastered his math lessons. He takes his writing very seriously and puts forth his best effort. He is detail oriented and has a unique voice. He is organized and thorough and his handwriting and spelling exceed expectation. His teacher's comments also indicate he reads with fluency and comprehension, but could work on reading with more expression. When working with a teacher or a partner, Jack is able to express his ideas effectively, but in a group or with the whole class, Jack tends to lose focus and is reluctant to participate.

I understand this. Details. Uniqueness. Self Structure. Perfectionism. Expressionless. Monotone. One on one interaction. Being overwhelmed in a group. It seems his teacher, this year at least, recognizes the positives, but in a last comment he noted : I would like to see Jack engage more in whole group activities and work on his expression. Perhaps with some extreme force or behavior therapy, this could happen, but it is highly unlikely, considering this is one of the main things Jack hates about school.

A recent conversation...

Jack: "I would just like to be independent."

me: "What do you mean?"

Jack: "I just want to do my work on my own and eat my lunch on my own."

Me: "You don't like the cafeteria?"

Jack: "It's soooo loud and stinky in there. Everyone goes crazy. I just want to eat my lunch in quiet and not have to look at chewed food."

Me: "And you don't like doing your work with other people?"

Jack: "No because they're always talking and I'm trying to concentrate. I would love it if I could just be independent. Yeah. I would love that!"

I get it, buddy. I really do. I want to tell him to just do his best. That if he tries really hard and just lives in their world now, that someday he'll be able to live in his own. But I know that isn't true. I know there will always be people wanting him to engage in the group. There will always be noise, and smells and too many people. So many, in fact, that you won't be able to know them all. The unknown will always be lurking around every corner. Each time you visit a place, any place, no matter how many times you've visited before, it will once again become strange. Unfamiliar.

I can't change any of that, and I wish I could. All I can do is try to help him manage, although he's already smarter than me in many respects. And I can also give him what I never had. Understanding and Acceptance. I can tell him, "I know how that feels." instead of asking "What is wrong with you?" I can focus on his strengths, rather than pointing out his weakness. I can ask him questions about his interests and let him talk, and talk and talk, rather than insisting he is obsessed and needs to do something else. I can marvel at his attention to detail and realize that sometimes seeing the big picture isn't all that great anyway. I can let him spin, and while he's spinning I can let him lead the way.

Hope, who happens to love Mondays, but only because I get to live in my world.