An Ode to all the fucking eye rolls.

First, let me say this... It confuses me, angers me, saddens me, and hurts me deeper than I can even explain, when strangers can offer you you more comfort, communication, and understanding than the people in your life. People that are supposed to care about you. I don't understand it, and all I can do is pull back, as I realise I'm truly alone. Maybe we all are.

I've done a shit load of reading and research over the last few weeks, absorbing every bit of information that would possibly fit into my already overcrowded brain. I've gone from feeling like Leeloo in The Fifth Element when she's overloaded with all the horrific details of mankind...to feeling how we all felt at the end of The Sixth Sense, when all the pieces of the puzzle, the ones that were staring us right in the face, fall together.

And here I am, again, dumping my fear and frustration here, because there is nowhere else for it to go. No one wants to hear it. The words "Can we talk." Or "I need you" produce less than desirable results. In fact, they usually end up being the gateway to less communication and support. Again, I don't understand, and to be honest I'm not even sure I have the energy to keep trying to.

I won't apologize for that, any more than I will apologize for wanting to find answers to my questions, or my obsessive way of seeking out information. Because it is MY way. And, after everything I've read, I won't apologize for my anxiety anymore either, any more than a diabetic would apologize for their diabetes.

I won't let other people make my son or myself feel less because there are things we don't want to do. I never really understood that either. I don't force my interests on other people. I don't know why the rest of the world feels the need to get you to do what they're doing. Like it's better

I guess if you haven't been there you wouldn't understand, but I'm also starting to learn that that's not my problem. You can't FORCE understanding. All you can do is ask for it. Chance are, you will get it eventually, just not from where you expected it, or so desperately thought you needed it.

Hope, who now understands why some change is inevitable.