Monday, November 5, 2012

Ridin' into town alone by the light of the moon...

I'm back. I think.

Or should I say...Dear this is pretty much what my blogging has become.

In any case, here I am, with nothing and everything to say all at once. I've missed getting my thoughts down on "paper" and I think by not doing that I've been slowly killing myself by keeping them locked up in my overcrowded head.

I recently stumbled upon a blog that inspired me to, not only start writing again, but to go back to writing my "truth". I had gone out about a week or so ago and indulged in a few (or more) drinks. It was a much needed break and more fun than expected. The problem was the next day my Anxiety Level was through the roof. This has happened before and due to my incurable "need" to find "whys", I started out on another internet quest for answers. I searched...Alcohol Anxiety. What I found was this guy.

My New Hero.

I've only just begun to read through all the post and listen to some of the podcasts, but for the first time in forever I not only feel like I've truly found "my people" but I have a little hope. Not hope that I can be fixed, but more like hope that maybe I can do something to manage it better. Hope that maybe I can live with less fear. Hope that I can survive the worst of my times because there are other people who feel this way out there and they survive the worst of their times.

I've spent the last few years censoring myself, hiding my truth, and masking my symptoms with medication that closely resembles the workings of the Devil. Honestly, I'm tired of feeling this way and I've been searching for a quick fix and a simple cause for years. Too many years. I think what I've just finally realized is there is no fix, and although there may be triggers, there is no specific cause. There is nothing that was done that can now be undone.  The anxiety is an illness and it is a part of me, and much like an alcoholic, I need to work on accepting that before I can do anything else. name is Hope...and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks. My Anxiety interferes with my daily life, my relationships, and prevents me from doing things that I would love to do. Sometimes my Anxiety makes all the decisions.  Only one person in my life truly understands my Anxiety. Before that, no one understood. I've ended relationships and walked away from people due to my Anxiety and vise versa. Being alone makes is easier to control my Anxiety.  I've lied and hid the truth because of my Anxiety. I find it difficult to trust because of my Anxiety.  I avoid people, places, things and rarely feel "safe" due to my Anxiety. My Anxiety has made my world a very small place.

Baby Steps.

Hope, who is working on getting back in the saddle again...

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