Thursday, June 20, 2013

Even my subconscious is stressed out.

Yesterday was an interesting, and informative day. Last evening ended up being stressful and eye opening all at once.  Completely failed at those thought exercises, but in my defense I'm a novice and I'm dealing with some repetitive trigger inducing behaviors. By myself and others. Last night was full of nightmares. The kind that wake you up, but when you go back to sleep you're still there. The gist was I was surrounded by a bunch of people who just barged in in the middle of the night with very little thought or regard to anything except the fact that, well, they wanted to. They took over my home and my yard and starting making all of these changes. There were chainsaws, and loud music, and hammering everywhere I went. I was trying to get them to stop saying "this is my house, it's the  middle of the night for Christ sake!"  No one would listen. Everyone was saying. "Relax. You're over reacting."  I tried to tell my BF that these people had to leave and he laughed, rolled his eyes and walked away. I think I finally ended up pulling my hair and rocking behind a bush. Okay. So not your typical nightmare, I suppose, but it felt like one to me. It was also a pretty good depiction of what I feel is going on in my life right now. Noise, people taking over, no one listening, no respect, no consideration, the only communication I get from anyone is the same tired "relax".  To that, I have only this to say...fuck off, dumb ass dream people.

Anyway, I've often joke that I can predict the future. In certain instances I can, but it most likely related to my ability to latch onto patterns. Patterns of behavior in general. I end up eventually knowing that if so and so says they are going to do this, they are really going to do that. History is the best prediction tool there is. Honestly, I used to always, I mean always, take people at their word about everything. Big things, little things, unimportant things. All that did was teach me that most people's words are just that. Words. They don't necessary link them to anything real. Like an action, or even a promise. So now, I pretty much know better. Kind of. I still haven't let go of that nasty expectation though. Even though I know it won't happen, I often expect or at the very least hope, this time, maybe this time, it will. All this has done is make me a jack ass.

So what have I learned since last night?  It's time to take some serious ass control over my own life. It's time to stop expecting anything from anyone else. It's time to put more faith and belief in me, and realize that no matter what I do or say or beg for, I will never be able to change anothers behavior. Only they can do that, and only if they hear you, not just listen, but actually hear, and only if they have the desire to do so. Without desire, nothing ever happens. We all know that. I've also learned that communication with another person isn't always going to happen. Sometimes it never will, but that doesn't mean I have to stop communicating. It just means that particular horse is dead.

Letting go. Essentially that is what I am doing. It's scary for me because I'm an all or nothing type person. When I let go, I usually do it with both hands. I'm not really all that scared right now though. It's become scarier for me to continue feeling the intense anxiety, annoyance, anger, neglect, and indifference. It's scarier for me to lay in bed at night and for it take two hours for me to slow my own heart beat down. I know where this road will lead and I'm not willing to go down it. So it stops. Now.

Hope, who is putting herself first, because if you're not first, your last. Thank you Ricky Bobby.

Also, dumb ass typos fixed. I think...

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