Friday, June 28, 2013


First, a week off from Blogging is not a vacation. It's more like being imprisoned in my own mind, which, by the way...scary, scary place.

Second, here I am, again. Since my last post, I've done some taking control of my own life. A little, I think. I thought I was letting go, as well. I was refocusing, I was attempting to live in the moment, and I was breathing. All very good things. Today, however, I feel like I'm back to square one.

With school ending on Monday, it's been a week of changes. Changes in schedule and routine. For me, this sucks. I can't really put it any other way. It just plain sucks. I try to wrap my brain around the change, and attempt to adjust. There are things I simply have to do, like work for instance, or we won't eat or have a place to live. So I do the best I can, but it is seriously, nearly impossible to focus if I am out of my familiar element.  I managed, with three panic attacks (is that even what they really are?) I felt them coming on (and feel another as I am typing) but I couldn't for the life of me, talk myself down. I couldn't breath through it. I couldn't make it stop, so I reached for the Ativan both times. I'm not sure what the trigger was. If it was the change, or the stress of the change, or both. What happens to my body physically, makes me want to crawl out of it. I've actually tried a few times, and unfortunately that's impossible.

Anyway, aside from having trouble getting my mind to adjust to sudden change, we are headed on a mini vacation bright and early Monday morning.

(I just had to take a little break, because my son just walked up to me, upset over a video game. His cheeks were bright red with scratch marks on them. I asked him how that happened and he said he did it because he was so mad he couldn't finish the level. I talked him down and explained how hurting himself is never the answer. This doesn't happen often, but it does happen, and every time it worries me more and more. )

Monday morning we leave to spend two nights, three days in Maine. Sounds great, right? Probably. To a normal person. But I think we've established I'm not one of those. I know that it is counterproductive to worry about all of things that could go wrong ahead of time. I'm not an idiot, I just suffer from anxiety. It's kind of what I do. I worry. I suffer. I write. I move forward, an inch at a time.

It's Friday. I've just spent the whole week attempting to do something that is nearly impossible for me. I've had NO quiet time. We are now heading into a Kid Weekend. And most likely a rainy one at that. This means being stuck in the house. This mean, not only no quiet time, but NOISE, instead. This means two or more people talking at once. This means television and electronic device noises simutaneously. This means fighting. This means bodies rushing up and down and to and fro. This also means my BF's behavior changes. Key word and trigger: Change. I'm not sure why this happens and we've fought endlessly about it, but still it happens. It actually started last night. It's almost as if he withdraws. He will forgo doing anything else that might need to be done and sit in the same spot on the couch for hours on end on his iPad. (Seriously, I could leave the house for a couple of hours and he wouldn't even notice I was gone.)The kids with run the roost. Grabbing food and drinks and leaving trash and wrappers and clothes on the floor. There will be little conversation between him and I. (Part of this, I admit, is because I, too, have started to withdraw, in an attempt to save myself. I can't sit on the couch all day next to a man who says nothing and in the middle of noise and dirty dishes and trash. I can't do it.) .So, yeah, this is kind of what happens, and what I'm sure will happen again, as it's Friday and I've already heard nothing from him all day. Change. 

Then, after all that fun filled excitement, we get to drive a couple of hours on the Highway. Another Trigger. The time away was actually something I was looking forward to. Now, however, it looks like rain the whole time. I'm not sure how we will compensate for that, given we had the Beach and Lobster Fishing on the agenda, but spending two days in a hotel room is not an option.

I honestly don't want any of this to affect me. I wish it didn't, but it does. I talked about it this week in my third visit to The Head Doctor. But because he's not a magician, and can't wave a magic wand, his take was less than helpful, basically telling me what I already know. That mixing oil and water isn't possible. You have to either accept that it's never going to blend properly, or you have to stop doing it. He suggested that perhaps I could explain what happens to me, and maybe we could reach a level of compromise or at the very least my BF would understand a little better. I laughed, and said I've been trying to that for a while now, but gave up and went with the therapy idea instead. He laughed. I don't think he thinks I'm unreasonable or crazy. My gut tells me he knows exactly what I am.

And that, is where I am at, at this very moment. Now that I've done a messy brain dump here, I'm going to do my best to once again, let it go. I will try to enjoy myself, even if that means Ativan and isolation. I will do my best to not predict disaster and roll with the punches.

Hope, who is realizing that Congnitive Therapy is work. Hard work. As is breathing...

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