Monday, October 3, 2011

Who I am.

I know who I am. And it's not always pretty. In fact, it rarely is. I'm not supposed to say that though. I'm not supposed be so damn negatitive. Fuck you. I'm being a realist.

I don't "go through" things with other people. I've heard it said, although I'm still not sure what it means...that so and so "went through" something together. It brought them closer. They bonded. It made them stronger. Blah, blah, blah. I don't do that. I go through everything alone. I'm sure that is mostly my own fault, but in any case that's the way it is.

I know who I am. I'm almost forty and in the worst financial shape of my entire life. I'm scrambling to try save up the money to file bankruptcy before the credit card companies start suing me. It's not working out too well because at the same time I'm trying to live. Trying to enjoy a few moments here and there in what is normally an uncertain and stressful existance. I'm also trying to do things like buy my son eye glasses, and legos, and gold fish for his lunch box. It's a slow process and just when I think I'm doing well...I'm not. I go through this alone.

I know who I am. I'm an almost forty, single mother of a great son who can't hide the fact that he'd rather be with his Daddy. And why not?  His Daddy works when it's time for work. When Jack isn't there. His Mommy has to work all the damn time. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he'd rather be with the parent that will focus all his attention on him. The guilt is sometimes all consuming and while I know that when he is older he will only remember and cherish the times I played with him, and not the time I worked to buy him food or clothes...I still have no choice but to work and buy him food and clothes. I go through this alone.

I know who I am. I'm an anxiety ridden, almost forty year old who has absolutely no handle on the situation. No one in my life has ever understood this in a way that was helpful. People tell me to relax. Like that was an actual option. Like I'm given a choice between the two and I choose anxiety and panic attacks instead of a calm cool existance. Fuck them. The ignorance makes me angry. I'm trying to do what I can to make this better but it only seems to be getting worse. Taking medicine only reminds me that I'm failing. When the medicine doesn't work it only reminds me that I'm still sinking. I go through this alone.

I know who I am. I'm an almost forty year old woman with absolutely no coping skills when it comes to relationships. They wreck me. Some worse than others. I have trust issues. If you lie to me, I then have trust and anger and fear issues. Having something is harder for me than having nothing. When you have nothing you have nothing to lose. Nothing to fear. I have comminication issues, where in, I say too much. Always. I say more than anyone ever wants to hear. In return I get silence. Which in turn scares me. Because there is often more meaning in silence than in any amount of words that could be spoken. I don't know how to deal with the things that scare me. I go through this alone.

I know who I am. I'm an almost forty year old, decendant of a long line of self destructive alcoholics. I walk that line every day.  I use it as a place to hide. I use it as an excuse to run away. I use it to stop my hands from shaking and to forget about the bills I owe and to cope with all that I can't cope with. I know where that road leads. I see my mother when I look in the mirror.  I go through this alone.

I know who I am. I'm an almost forty year old woman who's hormones have apparently all boarded the crazy train, and who, according to her doctor, is most likely perimenopausal.  I was also told today to stop smoking before I "hurry up and die of cancer"...and that I'll be getting a mammogram in January, along with another biopsy. 

And I go through this alone.
And that, in a nutshell, is who I am. There's more sometimes, but right now, that is all that I am.

Hope, who was quite obviously not able to stand it.


  1. We may be alone, but we're walking the same line. My therapist asked me the other day when I was the most happy (and anxiety-free). I realized it was when I was single, which of course was easier because isn't it, when you've got nothing to lose?

    So much more of this runs parallel with me right now. Glad you're able to share it even though you can't stand it.

  2. It doesn't surprise me we walk the same line and it's not difficult to figure out why. The hard part is changing it.

    And as much as I wouldn't wish an anxiety ridden life on anyone, having you (and yours) in mine is definately a blessing. :)

  3. I'll never understand why I try to burden all my own I'm some kind of invincible body that can't be taken down, when really..I'm F*n down...the husband tries to pull me out of the bullshit wallowing ..sometimes & fails.