Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What happens.

A friend said something to me today that I ended up spending more time thinking about than I had intended to, which is rarely a good thing. She said. " I wonder if we can just be happy with what we DO have instead of focusing on what we don't have?"

Can we?  I mean, it makes sense and it's what all those happy, uplifting, nothing can ever get me down, people always say to do. It's part of the Law of the Universe, and The Secret. I think a version of it is probably even written in the Bible. Somewhere. But is it really possible?

What if that one thing that is missing is what ends up defining you. And you don't want it to. What if it's starting to change you. Starting to turn you into someone that you don't even like. At what point do you have the right to decide that it's simply not good enough for you?  That was a stupid question. Of course, you have that right at any point, but at what point should you decide?  I'm guessing probably at the "breaking point."

For me, that point, is hard to distinguish. I go and go and go, even when I say I can't anymore. I deal or pretend to deal. I work and I drink and I do what I can not to focus on what eats away at me.  I reach a "point" and I then blow. Once the explosion has subsided I then...go and go and go...and so on. The breaking point for me might not even exist, if in reality I've already been broken. And if that's the case it would explain so much.

Perhaps when Ennis Del Mar said... "If you can't fix it Jack, you gotta stand it...", Jack shouldn't have stood it. Maybe things would have turned out differently. But, then again, who knows.

I do believe I have now answered my friend's question, though. The answer is No. No, we can not.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not... solid. I'm hollow. There's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It's as if I never - -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything. "  -Sylvia Plath

Hope, who is feeling a tad Plathy and broken today, but knows tomorrow she will most likely be able to stand it.

1 comment:

  1. I pretend to deal & drink. & ...yup, sounds about right. mostly I save it all for PMS week & the husband looks at me, sometimes with consoling eyes, but mostly with 'wtf, you've gone completely mad eyes'...F him, I have too much to deal with, never mind having to break it down to no time. & I had a dream once where everyone had black eyes. SCARE0F'n E. haunts me. like...move one scary eyes, bring on a goblin. ;)