Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Humidity and I probably should have taken an Ativan...

As usual, I should be working right now, but with the humidity (impossible to dry paint) and the shaky hands (impossible to fucking paint), here I am. Which is good, I guess, because this is where I belong. Or this belongs to me, I'm not really sure which.

As predicted, the mini vacation was stressful. For me. There were parts that were fun, but the underlying "tone" kept reminding me that I'm a square peg, trying desperately to fit into a round hole. In short, I just don't fit. It sucks, and it sucks to keep being reminded of where my place is, and how no matter how hard I try or how much of my own comfort I sacrifice, I just can't seem to get pass that huge glass wall that separates me from, shall we say, the "normal" people. Yeah. That's what we'll say, because when you break it all down, that's what it is.

This morning was the first day of the Summer Youth Program at the lake. It's only three days a week for three hours each day. I knew Jack wouldn't be thrilled about it, but the price was right, it gets him off the video games and interacting, and it gives me a little free time to do...whatever, work, buy food, this. I had to "make a deal" with  him to even attempt the first the week. Forever the negotiator, he decided for a mini figure of The Flash, he would be willing to give it a shot.

We pulled up at about 5 minutes to 9, not sure they would even be having it due to the weather, but luckily (or not) it was still on. I talked briefly with the "Director" who is well, basically a teenager, and then the other Mom's and kids started to show up. I stood there watching my son pick at his nails knowing exactly how he felt, and all the unknowns that were running through his head. I knew he wanted to back out, but because he "made the deal" he would stay and keep his word, no matter how much he wanted to run back into the car. Seeing this hurts me on so many levels. I had to keep reminding myself that he needs this push and he is able to adjust. As we stood there, I purposely attempted to make eye contact with other Moms. I say attempted, because although I looked, they never did. I asked a question about pick up if it started raining, and the young teenage girl was the only one who heard/answered me. The standing there while the other Mom's chatted away last for maybe 10 minutes, although it felt like 10 hours, and not once did any of them glance my way. Not once.

As I got in my car to go, I was immediately tossed back 20 plus years and flooded with thoughts about wanting nothing more than to leave this town. I didn't allow it to last too long, because god knows, I don't need the extra push. But honestly this particular scenario isn't unusual. This is the way it is. Especially here. I have lived other places where it was easier and people have been more open an accepting. I liked living there better obviously. But this is where I am now, and this is the way it always plays out. I can make myself crazy trying to figure out why. Is it me? Am I just unapproachable? I'm too quiet. I'm not forward enough. I'm ugly. So ugly in fact they can't look at me. Or maybe I really am invisible. The thoughts go around and around and always end up in the same place. There is something wrong with me.

I think, intellectually, I know the why's better now, but it still doesn't do anything to stop the initial railroading of internal questions and feelings. I have to remind my myself that it doesn't matter. It's not like I want to stand there and chat mindlessly with these women. A simple hello or introduction would be nice, but aside from me throwing myself in their faces, that's just not going to happen.

On Sat, we were invited to a BBQ. I chose to bow out, due to the fact that the entire week had been overwhelming and the thought of standing in a humid 90 something degrees with people I didn't know, where this same incident would play out over and over again, was too much. I'm sure this came off as me being selfish or anti-social. On one hand, I hate that, and feel the need to explain. On the other, I've tried to explain and receive no understanding, so fuck it.

I did, however, make several attempts to connect with people and extended invites over the past week. None were accepted. In fact, some never even responded. Once again, square peg, round hole. There is no fixing it. If it were another time, another place, I would be moving on. I would be initiating my own change. Wrong or right, I would just do it, in order to feel something good.

Right now, I do feel like I'm on the verge of something. Hopefully not a breakdown. Because that would fucking suck. I'm hoping it's more like, finding my own way. Eliminating undue stress is on top of my priority list. This means saying no. This means pissing people off and dealing with more misunderstandings and eye rolls. I wish it didn't, because that in itself is also stressful. (You see how the cycle goes?)

Hope, who feels incredibly homesick, but still can't find her way home.


  1. Move north... like Canada north!
    We will take you in.

  2. You know, I was just saying that! I watch "How I met your Mother" (I know, I know...too much TV.) But that particular episode was how Canadians will "take you in"...and say sorry if they bump into in a bar, instead of punching you in head. lol. Cary Brothers sings a song called Canada. One of my favorites!