Friday, April 26, 2013

Unable to Read File.

I'm not going to waste too much time here today. My time is better spent working because that's what I'm good at. Being productive, getting things done, and filling up every other spare moment of my time with getting more things done. I can excel in this area at the expense of all others. And that's fine. That's the way it has to be.

After an argument last night over communication or lack of communication I woke up feeling spent. Empty and completely at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do from here. While I feel like I express myself well I probably don't, because what I say gets overlooked or completely missed. This is the main reason I started writing in the first place. I remember when I was a child and I couldn't get my mother to understand what I was trying to say, I wrote a poem and asked her to read it. The wrath that came after she read it should have taught me then to never again put another thought or feeling down in writing. It didn't, obviously, but it left a mark. I never stopped writing, but I stopped trying to express my feelings verbally. I stopped talking, and only started again when I stopped being afraid of losing her love. When I stopped needing her love. When the anger became so much bigger than the hurt, I was able to spit it out without caring whether or not there was still someone standing there when I was done.

That's how I feel now. Maybe it's not the same. Maybe it is. It really doesn't matter.

Things that are important to you aren't always going to be important to someone else. This is what I have to keep reminding myself. Honestly it doesn't help to know that. I can let other people talk on and on and on. I can even say a few things here and there.  But it takes so much effort for me to talk about a subject that's important to me. I immediately go in scared to death of the reaction I'm going to get. I don't think everyone else has this problem. Maybe it's the anxiety. In any case, if I happen to work up the courage to actually talk and it's met with a dismissive or indifferent response (which means lack or interest or lack of caring? I honestly don't know), it goes back to the vault. I literally hear all the iron gates and doors slamming, one right after the other. I can't change it. I can't stop it.

To sum it up, it sucks. Communicating with another human being sucks. The resentment, defensiveness, and raised voices end up becoming explosive, leaving the actual thing you want to communicate buried under the debris. Maybe I just don't know how to do it. I'm too blunt. I know this, but I can't be any other way. I get to the point and say what I mean to say. I don't say things I don't mean. I also don't bring my concerns to people so they can "reassure" me that what I think is not the case. I only bring my concerns to people when I believe my concerns are valid and deserve some consideration. I don't dance around things, or beat around the bush. If I say I'm fat, I'm certainly not saying it so you will tell me I'm not. I'm saying it because I put on extra weight and I'm fucking fat.

This is where that honestly thing usually bites me in the ass. This is where I get completely lost. Eventually, though, I try again. Not because I can't let anything go, but because I can't move on until something is complete or finished. If it's not at least settled in my mind, I will live with it forever. Most people can ignore things fairly easy. They sweep them under the rug. I don't know how they do this. I can only ignore what I don't care about.

I said I wasn't going to waste too much time and I'm not. Trying to organize my thoughts/feelings into something that makes sense is the only way I can switch gears. If I can't do it verbally, I have to do it here.

Hope, who apologizes for my lack of whatever I don't have today.

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