Monday, June 4, 2012

Ironing it out...

I wish my mind had an on and off switch. It would certainly make life a hell of a lot easier. But, it does not. As far as I know, only men come with that switch. So, here I sit, after attempting sleep and getting only a racing heartbeat in return. I come back to the only thing I know that comes close to helping. Aside from the magic little white pill I took before logging on.

Nights like this are hardly the time to start questioning all your life choices and revamping your five year plan. (ha. like I've ever had a five year plan.) But...somehow, I feel like doing that. I feel like changing everything. I feel like knocking down walls, burning old love letters, and tossing out everything that ever meant anything to me. I hear my inner voice screaming at me to stop being afraid of losing what isn't even yours. She can be a real bitch sometimes...the inner voice...but more often than not she's right. Hammer. Nail. Head. Stupid bitch.

It probably doesn't make any sense. These types of feelings. Not to anyone else, anyway.  But they stem from fear, doubt, and insecurity. All of these feelings tend to make me feel helpless. I know why and I hate feeling helpless. I will do almost anything not to feel that way. In the past that was how I dealt with it. I changed everything. I knocked down walls, burnt more than just old love letters, and sold the majority of my belongings. It worked. How?  Anger. Anger steps up to the plate and hits helpless out of the park. Anger, then being very proud of herself, becomes Strength, and Strength pulls me back. Now, how can I possibly be strong when I've just trashed everything and having nothing left?  When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. There is freedom in having nothing to lose. Freedom from fear, doubt and insecurity.

And there you have it. Me, in a nutshell. This ridiculous pattern of behavior has been my way of coping since as far back as I can remember. It's what I do. It's familiar, it's comfortable, and it's been pretty damn effective up until now.

Now that I'm trying not to that... trash everything... I'm stuck with only Anger when the fear, doubt and insecurity find a reason to rear their ugly heads.  Anger, with no where to go, never turns into strength for me. In fact, most times I feel like it's slowly killing me. Or I'm slowly killing myself. Trying to tear apart my own world without actually doing it.

This really doesn't make any sense, does it? Jesus. Ativan and a laptop, and this is what you get. I feel better anyway. Not sure which of the two was the most help.

So I guess at this point I probably need to figure out how to revamp without destruction. And how to let go without giving up. I need to switch my focus from the silly things that I thought were supposed to matter the matter the most, back to the the tried and true things that I know. I need to expect nothing. Expectations...Great Expectations lead to disappointment. Compromising yourself for other people leads to self loathing. Love doesn't conquer all. I knew this, didn't I?  Of course, I did.

Given my inability to see too far into the future, I'm sure an actual five year plan is out of the question. But a one year plan I could do. My one year plan...accept the things I can not change...change the things I can...and believe it or not, I already know the difference.

Hope, who already knows what she can't accept.

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