Wednesday, February 29, 2012


An eighteen day lapse and here I sit once again trying to find something to quiet my mind and body. This could have been avoided tonight, but could have means shit when I'm this deep in it. My face feels like its on fire and then going numb...and my head and heart are pounding. I can't sleep because I keep getting sharp pains in my arm and my hands and toes are twitching. Everytime I get close to sleep I feel like I've stopped breathing and wake with a jerk. But mostly it's my head right now. It's stress. It's anxiety. It's the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. This will never end. I will never be able to stop it. No one can fix it. And no one can help. I have to accept that.

Just like I have to accept that the things you don't want to change eventually will, and the things you do want to change will always remain the same.

Looking to other people for what you need is pointless. Even if they give you what you ask for they will never give you what you need. Only you have the power to do that.

A lot of realizations have erupted during tonight's panic attack. What to do with them is still a mystery. But I'm ready. Ready to move on. To accept the things I can not accept what is. I'm ready for something new. A distraction to take my mind off the pounding in my head. A numbing to keep me from feeling "too" much.

Im not sure why I feel the need to communicate how I feel but I do, and this has proven to be the safest place to do that. Looking for understanding in others often leads to disappointment. Here, no one needs to understand.

I'm ready. Ready to stop struggling to communicate. Ready to do more for me. Ready to let go of the pain in my head. Long term effects? Fuck em. The long term effects of living this way will surely kill me sooner than any medication.

Hope, who is lowering her expectations of herself as well as everyone else.

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