It's been a while since I've posted anything here, in part because I've just been busy, and in part because I've started writing elsewhere. I'm back today because I have more to say on a subject that originated here.
I've spend my whole life looking for answers and reasons, not only to things that happen in the world around me, but answers and reasons for why I am the way I am. There were always people that thought that was a waste of time. They were usually the first people to say, "there's nothing wrong with you." in one breath and then point out how I was flawed in the next. It's been confusing to have people tell me what my "problem" was and then insist there was no real problem. Only I know how I feel and I've known forever that something was different. That I didn't see, or feel, or experience life in exactly the same way. I've tried very hard over the years to do what I was "supposed to do". To act like I was "supposed to" act. But that's all it ever really was. An act. I've made some very important life choices that revolved around this acting. Things I can't ever change or take back. I do have regrets. And I know I'm not "supposed to", but I do.
On Friday morning, I got what is as close to an answer as I will probably ever come. It didn't come as a complete surprise as it was what I have believed to be true for almost two years now, but at the same time it made it real. After a year and a half of therapy, that started and focused mostly on my anxiety, my doctor, in his words "is pretty sure I lie somewhere on the Spectrum". "All of the pieces fit." I knew this, of course. At least that the pieces fit. I felt it so strongly, but when I tried to get honest feedback from people in my life, their response made me doubt myself. Perhaps it was a mistake to share my thoughts with anyone. To put too much weight in what other people think. Perhaps they thought that it may be true, but didn't give me a truthful answer, so as not to "worry" me further. Whatever the case may be, on Friday morning, there it was. Confirmation? Validation? Ironically, at that very moment it was somewhat anti-climatic. There was a small part of me that felt like a child again saying..."see? I was telling you the truth and you didn't believe me!" But for the most part it put me in a daze. I felt a little numb and couldn't fully process the information. On one hand I felt like this is important. This is really fucking important. But what could I do? In reality it is only important to me.
For the past few days I've just sat with it. After all it was only a statement, right? There is a part of me that is still doubting myself. Doubting my doctor, even. What if he's wrong? And I then I think, he's not wrong. I know this. With every fiber in my being I know, and I have known. So how can it be that I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around something that I already know? Acceptance. Just because I've felt this for so long doesn't mean that I have fully accepted it. There was always that little doubt, always that tiny bit of hope that I would still wake up one day and be something different. Somebody different. And I don't say that because I hate myself, I say it because a part of me just kept thinking it. I say it because so many things are a struggle and I just have always wished that they weren't. I say it because I've had a lifetime of hearing..."Why can't you just....", "Why don't you just...", "When will you just..."
I'm not entirely sure what I should be feeling right now. I do feel validation. I do. There is a certain freedom and relief in that feeling. Asperger Syndrome. Autism. Most people know of it, but not about it. Most people will never care to learn. So nothing changes. It will only matter to me. Aside from validation, I guess I feel a little sad. Like I've missed something very important in life and I wish I had a do over. I can't really explain that feeling or why I have it. And then there's the anger, which is nothing new. I've been angry for a very, very long time. When no one understands you, it seems to be the go-to emotion.
I haven't shared this with very many people. Only a couple in my life, and a group I belong to, filled with like-minded strangers. Strangers are always more supportive. They have nothing to gain or lose.
From here, the therapy will continue and testing will start. Answers and reason are important, but so is knowing what to do with them.
Hope, who came home Friday afternoon, to see that Jerry Seinfeld had shared some information of his own. This came as no surprise either. I hope that the world doesn't chew him to bits because he shared what he believes to be true on a public forum. You never know how these things will go. The media is already having a field day with it.
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