Thursday, May 15, 2014

The next move.

It's always hard to know how to start up again after a long blogging break. Blog. It's a Funny word. For some reason, right now, it sounds funny. Blog, blog,blog,

Anyway. I could go into the long details of the last month or so, but I couldn't do it with feeling. Simply because I'm not feeling now what I was feeling then. Now I'm only feeling what I feel now. But more on that later.

Instead I'll take the long story short approach. We moved. Too short? Okay after a shit load of stress, we moved. Stress that included giving our notice and then finding out my aunt was having second thoughts about renting. Stress that included only having a month to organize and complete the packing and emptying out of not one but two houses, along with a partial renovation which included the ripping out of old stinky 30 year old carpets and the purchase and installation of new stinky carpets. Stress that included finding the mold in the house that I had said was there from the beginning. Stress that also included our final rent cost being increased not once but twice from where we thought it would be. ( The whole reason behind the move to begin with). There's more but I'll leave it at that for now. I've never done so much work in a short period of time and I can say with all honesty I will never do it again. When all is said and done I'm betting that the "savings" this move was supposed to generate will be negligible. But, it's too late now. Always go with your gut people. When you don't, well, you end up here. 

In any case, I'm trying to make the best of it and moving forward as best I can. Which, by the way, is slowly. I'm moving very slowly. 

As for what I'm feeling now, drained would probably be an accurate description. I'm tired. So tired in fact, that I'm also fed up. With everything. With everyone. I find myself fighting for things I'm not even sure I want anymore. If you have to fight too much, it makes you wonder if it's even worth it. All that time spent begging someone to pay attention to you, could be spent with someone who actually pays attention to you. See? I'm learning! So what do I want? I want to be heard. I want my life to slim down. I want the people in it to be the ones I can relate to. I want to be able to take time away from work and stress so I can enjoy the things I enjoy. That's really about it.  And as simple as that seems, it just hasn't been that simple at all. 

I'm trying to stop kicking myself in the ass because it doesn't do any good. The "You knew better!" thoughts only further increase my anxiety. I'm trying not to care too much, because that usually sends me straight into panic. And I'm trying to find some joy. I've even fought for it a little. 

My next move is to rewind. All the way back to when I knew what the fuck I was doing. Or at least I thought I did. I'm not really all that sad, so that's good. But I'm certainly in self preservation mode. I think I'm ready to be selfish again. I think I'm ready to give up on caring about what anyone else thinks again. I think I'm ready to stop looking for understanding, and I'm ready to only speak my truth. All of these things, by default, usually help to slim down a life. Instead of continually wishing I was someone else or I could be different I'm now saying " fuck it." Some will understand that. Some won't. And that's how we learn where we belong. 

I really am tired. 

Hope, who is just a bit unplugged at the moment. 

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