Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Fall, my brain, and a little Poe.

Seems like fall has arrived this morning. Aside from the food and the beer, it is not my favorite season. Along with the cold, it brings dark mornings and dark evenings. Even on the days that the sun is shining you can tell how far away it is. It doesn't warm you. It doesn't shed the same kind of light. I definitely blossom in a climate that is warmer year round, but as that isn't a possibility for me anymore, I'll just try hard to focus on the food and the beer.

The last few weeks have been hard. They've been filled with drama, lies, selfishness, noise, disruptions to routine, tears, anger, doubt, confusion, misunderstandings, revelations, and last but certainly not least anxiety. I feel like I will need at least twice that amount of time to recover fully. The truth is I won't get much recovery time. Instead I will dive right back into busy, which is probably not the worst thing. Work has picked up quite a bit and I'm expecting it to be a crazy Holiday season. In addition to dolls, I've sold some art, which has inspired me to start making more. 

A friend sent me a text just a little while ago, and in the text she asked "How was the visit with Mom?" In true fashion, my Aspie-like brain (what we can call it until diagnosis) dove on to a track of racing thoughts. How do I answer that? Should I just say fine? That would be a lie. Is it just a polite question that doesn't require an in depth answer as to how it is really going? How would most people answer? It's going well. Having a good time! Smiley face. Smiley face. Smiley face. But that's a lie. If I say it's been shitty, I probably won't  get a response. People don't like to hear about shitty. There's really not enough time to get into this. 

And so on and so on and so on. 

A simple question that most people wouldn't think twice about, sends me into over analyzing and panic so I will say the right thing. So I won't say the wrong thing. And at the same time my brain is screaming at me because telling the polite social white lie makes my skin crawl. How are you? I'm fine, how are you? It makes me want to vomit. 

This is automatic. This is just how it is. This is one more reason why it's easier for me to be somewhat shut off, with limited contact. My brain just goes through much more processing than most people I know, and honestly it's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

So instead of any more updates today, I will leave you with this. One of my favorite Poems by one of my favorite Poets. It makes more sense now. I don't find it sad anymore.

Alone
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view. 



7 comments:

  1. I will hear about "shitty" for you any day if it's the truth, but will always hope that the answer is occasionally, "not shitty." In any case, if I send you a text or a message and ask how this or that is, you have my full permission to let it rip. ;)

    Small talk. It's a bitch.

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  2. Thank you. I'm not sure you know how much I appreciate that and how much I appreciate you. In return, I will never tire of hearing about your "shitty shit" either. We should toast to less shit!

    Small talk sucks. I can talk for a short time, but I don't think that's the same. I can also talk about the weather. I mean, I live in New England. There's a lot of weather to talk about. What I hate is the back and forth talking, where no one is saying anything that even remotely resembles the truth or how they feel. (I've been dealing with that a lot lately) I'd prefer that all of the people that seriously don't care how I'm doing, just refrain from asking. Much easier for all of us. :) I'm ranting. I know. I'll stop. Now. Stopping...

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  3. I do think a toast is in good order. Let's try for that soon. :)

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    Replies
    1. Just saw this. Tomorrow? Lunch? Or Saturday, Foxwoods?

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  4. hmmm. Ashamed to say it...you got me! You did. I was all...wtf? :)

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