One more thing I don't understand.

I remember when I was a child my mother used to confuse the hell out of me. My adoptive mother. I would see how she was with me, her niece and nephew, my father, her mother, her sister, her sister-in-law, etc.., and although I was sure she was still the same person she didn't act like it. Her mannerisms changed, the tone, sound and pitch of her voice changed, and even the way her faced moved changed. With each different person she engaged with she became "someone else". When she was with her sister, she was loud, blunt, and had a thick Massachusetts accent. When she was with her sister-in-law her voice became quiet and she pronounced each syllable of each word to the point of annoyance. It was like this with everyone. "Why are you acting like that?" I'd ask. "Acting like what?" she's say. "Like you're in a play. Like you're pretending." I'm not sure she ever got what I was asking. I am sure she eventually got offended when I told her she was being fake. But, really, she was, whether she noticed it or not.

It's not that I was unfamiliar with the changes in people entirely, it was that I was confused as to why there were so many and why people couldn't just be who they were ALL THE TIME. My birth mother was probably the first person to introduce to such change. She went from Sober, quiet, and soft spoken to Drunk, loud, and angry and lastly to completely withdrawn. (A trait her and I seem to share, especially as I find myself more and more alienated as the years go by.) With her, though, I knew it was what was in the bottle that brought about the change.

As the years went by I realized that this is what people do. That what I see as being "fake" is actually how the majority of people interact with one another. They share with some, they hide from others. They swear in front of her and they keep their language G rated in front of him. This is what most people do and no one really gives a shit. Everyone accepts it. Or perhaps they don't notice the subtle differences?  I've learned this "art form" to a point. I know there are definite times I can't be myself completely. After having a child you are forced into censoring yourself to a point. For the most part though I'm more like my Birth Mother. I have the choice of being myself, letting the anger out, or completely withdrawing. That's it. I find myself, now, having specific times where these three options play over and over like a pattern. I can even tell you now when it will happen. If given a choice (and maybe I do have a choice after all?) I would just rather be myself. If how I am doesn't match whatever person you are deciding to be today then I guess that's too bad. If how I am doesn't fit into the world of ever changing relationships then I have to seriously consider the fact that maybe that is a world I don't belong in.

Relationships. Hard. Nearly impossible and always changing. If I hear one more time about how natural that is I think I might implode. We make a choice somewhere along the line to STOP giving of ourselves. We decide that for some reason it's not nearly as important as all of the other little distractions in our lives. Maybe it's because we get lazy, or maybe it's because we're simply just not that into it anymore. No one will admit that, of course. That's far too much honesty for the average relationship to stomach.  I'm mean, just because I take you for granted, doesn't mean I don't want you around.  Ridiculous. People like me don't play this game very well at all. I know this. I've known it since the first time I ever allowed someone else into my world and my heart. Is it rigid thinking? Maybe. Or maybe I just don't "grow" like other people do, and I'm doomed to stay lost in a fairy tale that never existed.

In any case, even at the ripe old age of 42, people still confuse me. I don't understand why now because of "that" we have to act like "this".  Because, damn it, after well over a year of continuously hearing that nothing was changing, things fucking changed, and apparently they are never going back to the way they were.

Hope, who has learned that even though she saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt the change coming, ultimately, nothing she did ended up stopping it. 

Spring, Moonshine, and Living in a Literal World.

First, I'd just like to say Spring is here. Finally. It's not in full force, but it is here none the less. I spent the morning cleaning out the flower beds and dumping the sticks and leaves and debris that Winter always leaves behind. Considering my green thumb has been virtually non existent for most of my life, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Okay, now that that's out of the way...back to business. During all my research over the past few months, I've learned that people with Autism or Asperger's (soon to become one) are just as individual and unique as anyone else, and more often than not you will not be able to tell by just looking at them.

But, having said that, and agreeing with the sentiment "If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie", I have noticed a few key traits that seem to be universal, so to speak. One of those key traits is being Literal. Upholding an exact or primary meaning of a word or words. For example, you're invited to a dinner where everyone is asked to bring a dish. And you bring a dish. Just a dish. I don't think it is always that extreme, but you get the idea. Falling under the catagory of Taking Things Literally is also ... not getting the joke. Or not being able to tell when someone is joking, by missing the clues, like facial expression, tone of voice etc...

My son was always very literal, but given the household he lives in now, and my love of sarcasm, he's learning to get it. Not always, but he's only eight. He's got time. He still struggles with knowing when someone is joking. I, myself, was very literal as a child, but honestly feel that due to my interest in figures of speech, idioms, and word origins, I'm cleaning up in that area. ;)  I do, however, still see the visual or movie in my head every time. For example, if you say "Stop beating a dead horse.", I will instantly get that visual. Kind of gross. I was also always famous for missing the joke. Being a blonde, that won me the title of Ditzy.

Apparently I'm still missing the joke. Being undiagnosed at this time, I can only attribute it to me, being me. Which is fine. Sometimes, being me is awesome. Funny, even. My tendancy to grasp on to ridiculous details, even made me laugh today.

My BF has developed a love of Hillbilly Shows, as I call them. One of those shows being Moonshiners. He will seriously watch them back to back for hours. I even bought him one of those nifty Turn Juice into Wine contraptions to play with for Christmas.  About a month or so ago he say's to me, "Save these gallon water jugs for me to put my Moonshine in when I make it." That's what he said. I think that was all he said. I may have rolled my eyes or something, thinking..."Oh god, here we go." but preceded to save the jugs. Every time I emptied a gallon jug of water I made sure not to throw it in the recycle bin and instead save it for his Moonshine. Save the jugs. Save the jugs. Save the jugs. Detail.

                                                 (Ignore the skull. It's plastic. I swear.)

Today, while I was playing in the dirt and the leaves, he walks out of the garage.

BF: "Are you really saving those Gallon water jugs?" (smirking)

Me: "Yeah. You said you wanted them."

BF: (laughs)

Me: "What's so funny?"

BF: "You were really saving those jugs!"

Me: "You said you wanted them. Why are you laughing??"

BF: "I'm not really going to make Moonshine. I was just kidding. You thought I was really going to make Moonshine!" (laughing)

Me: "No you weren't! You were kidding?? Really? You said you wanted them. I've been saving them because I really thought you wanted them!"

BF: "It's okay, it's funny."

Me: "I can't believe you were kidding. Here I was thinking I was being supportive of your crazy idea."

BF:" "I know. That's cute."

So, yeah. I finally laughed. And every time I think about now, I laugh again. But the truth of the matter is, I know this man fairly well. Maybe, better than I've known anyone, and still I miss the clues. I can see why ditzy might fit, or even gullible, but I don't really believe I'm either. I just suck at reading between the lines. This isn't the first time. It certainly won't be the last.

In my defense, though, this very same man that was joking about Moonshine, is attempting to grow a pineapple in our kitchen. A pineapple that will take two years to actually grow.

At least, I think he is...

Hope, who can still laugh at herself so that must be a good thing.